I hate that “on this day” feature on Facebook…actually I just hate today.

22 years ago today. I was 11 years old. I lived in San Diego California. I was in the 5th Grade in Mrs Marigene Roberts class. I loved school. I loved my friends and I loved my Mom. On St Patrick’s Day 1996. I woke up for school. You see my mom was sick and I took care my mom. At 11 years old I would call the dial-a-ride and arrange her medicine, remind her of her dr appointments. My mom had Diabetes ,Lupus and Graves’ disease. I grew up in hospitals because my mom and me were alone. She and my father had were divorced when I was very little and my mother had struggles, she wasn’t perfect but she was best friend and 11 years old she was my whole world. I used to stay home from school so I could spend the day with my mom. She was funny (people think me and Brooke are funny…we get that from her) My mom was so beautiful to me. I was would sit in the floor of the bathroom and watch her do her hair and make up and dance to Anita Baker while she would swig on Rum and coke, she smoked benson and hedges menthol 100’s (she would send me to the gas station with a note on my shirt and they would give me cigarettes the early 90’s were a strange time man) my mom was like a movie star to me. She was stunning and funny, everyone loved her, but not as much me. I woke up to go to school for a field trip, I would only come to school if there was a field trip or something fun otherwise I would just rather stay home with my mom, and eat candy and watch movies. I tried to wake her up to tell her I was going to go to school that day. We had a water bed. I shook my mom and she didn’t wake up that was March 17 1996 she went into a diabetic coma had a heart attack and never woke up. She passed away at 34 years old and I was only 11. I logged in today to do some research and I saw this collage and this “on this day popped” up and I’m supposed to be happy because everything is going great. I have two wonderful kids and a man who loves I have friends who care and my nana and granddad adopted me and that’s how I got to Temecula. I’m finally living my dreams but to today I laid down for a nap because I’ve been working hard on this blog and these pages and I wasn’t going to share this but I mean what’s the point of having a blog if you aren’t going to be real. I laid down for a nap. My kids are in school, my fiancé went hiking with his friends and I woke up alone and I missed my mother. I started crying and couldn’t stop. I texted a friend and told her I was grieving. I’ve never opened to anyone about my grief. I suck it up and say nothing but today it’s winning. I went right back to being 11 and that’s why I hate being alone. I work and I stay busy but sometimes when it’s quiet I miss my mom, I miss my dad, I miss my great grandpa who I called shadow and I miss my grandad. I’ve lost everyone it seemed..so I surround myself with people and happiness so I never have to think about the people I’ve lost…that why I laugh so much, that’s why I joke so much…it’s a lot more to laugh then it is to cry. I’m not ok today…and that’s ok. I’m not going to pretend I’m happy. I’m

Happy about my life but today. I miss my mom.

2 comments

  1. I’m so sorry you lost your mother, and at such a young age. I just wanted to comment that I read your writing and I thought it was really moving. I don’t think being happy with what you have achieved means that you don’t miss your mother and everyting she was for you.

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    • Thank you, yesterday was so rough for me. I’ve been working very hard to get this blog up and im so glad you read my writing and you’re right, I can be happy and still my mom. Grieving is hard and blogging it out helped so much I thank you again for reading it and leaving feedback I appreciate it so much

      Like

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