My battle with mental illness.

One time I told about 800 people on Facebook I was God and my now ex husband had me 51/50’d 2 days after our wedding because I was talking to trees in his mother’s backyard.

In my defense…I was living a lie. I was addicted to diet pills, battle anorexia, hiding my diagnosis of mental illness from the ex, self medicating because I was living a lie, I wish with the wrong person, I was just not ok inside annnnd I had SEVERE social anxiety disorder among other things and was planning a wedding to man who didn’t love me but kinda kept me around as DIY project…he was rich..he was older and successful and I thought that’s what you needed to be happy so I put all energy into landing that man and none into working on my poor self! I was so embarrassed…I lost friends… when you tell the world you’re God people don’t want to be your friend. That happened June 10th 2014… 2 days after my storybook wedding..Facebook watched me crumble. I was so ashamed. I didn’t work for months. My work at the time was on my Facebook. My husband left me because I lied about having a mental illness. My friends thought I was “crazy” I wanted to die so bad but suicide was against my religion…so all I could do was learn everything about my diagnosis and work at getting better. I put myself in a mental institution. I walked in and said…”I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone but I need to educate myself so I don’t have another breakdown I don’t know if this will happen to me again tomorrow and I’m scared” (when my ex had me 51/50’d they only kept me 12 hours…. I had been awake for 5 days because of diet pills, alcohol and weed..they gave me Ativan to sleep and sent my ass home….it wasn’t as deep as people assumed but it’s taken me 4 years to type this without crying..I’m not sad anymore…or embarrassed I was sick of people can’t understand that…THEY WERE NEVER MY FRIENDS TO BEGIN WITH)

I spent 5 days in a the v.a San Diego behavioral therapy Wing..I was on so many meds I was like a zombie. One pill to sleep, one to wake, one to feel normal… I almost overdosed on the damn psyche meds twice! (If you ever overdosed you vomit and poop and get chills I was overdosing ANNND going through alcohol withdrawals from like March 2015-May 2015… I worked with a psychiatrist to get off psych meds and find a more natural alternative (weed…I’m from Cali it’s legal it saved my life and made me more present and just a better person all together with none of the side effect of those awful pills..I was driving with Brooke once and the pills make me throw up so bad I had to be medically transferred to a hospital…screw pills)

When I met my fiancé I was upfront and told him I have mental illness diagnosis and I handle my social anxiety disorder with weed and intense therapy and writing…he didn’t leave me. He wasn’t afraid of me…he went to counseling with me, he loves me as I am..diagnosis and all and even tells me “I think you need to look at all sides that’s you’re anxiety talking” he’s a blessing. I’ll never be “cured” there’s days I’m not ok..but I’m upfront about it. I have a mental illness so sometimes my writing reflects that or my actions affect that…and that’s ok. The mistake I made in 2014 was isolating myself and shaming myself because my brain is different…it’s chaos in there but deep inside it’s beautiful.

I hope this helps someone. You aren’t a diagnosis and if I can blossom after I told Facebook I was God…so can you.

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