31 Days of Self love: Day 6

I beat myself up for more thing than I say. The first thing that popped into my mind was I wasn’t a good mom to Brooke when she was younger. I was 21 when I had my oldest daughter. I was a single mom. Brooklyn was not planned. When he stick turned blue I was alone🤷🏾‍♀️ I had to work. When I was pregnant I worked in the school district as a paraeduactor, took pictures at “Picture people” and gave mall surveys to bring in money so I could get us and Apartment. I was in college, switched from bio-chemistry major and found a program for LVN so I could make money to provide a nice life for Brooke and I fast. I was a gogo dancer doing nursing school.. No shame. I love dancing, I had a great little body and my bills were PAID, Brooke was only a few months old at the time. I’ve ALWAYS had to work and I’ve ALWAYS provided Brooklyn with everything she needed. I had a successful job as a recovery nurse for a board certified Beverly Hills plastic surgeon (Dr Tarick Smaili California Surgical Institue!!) I worked long hours and was away from Brooke, but in my mind “she’s got more toys than I ever had.” But she didn’t have me, when I wasn’t working I wasn’t spending quality time with Brooke, I was not a present parent the first 3-4 years of Brooke’s life. It’s even hard to think about now I care so much guilt for that.

Brooke understood that our family was different. She knew she had no dad but she had a kick ass mom that had to work make it work. What I was doing wrong was I would just sleep or just not put as much effort into being as mom as I do now. I didn’t think it mattered. I was in my 20’s and I was selfish. I was more worried about finding Brooke a “dad” than being a good mom.

Society puts a lot of pressure on single moms, your feel embarrassed about your circumstances no matter how it ended or how badly you have this strange single mom guilt. Brooke’s father wasn’t good. I was 20..he was cute that was pretty much the depth of the relationship. In retrospect I should have been more cautious etc but hindsight is 20/20. I just felt so badly about being a single mom, “I already had a child out of wedlock..now I’m lonely too?” So I did what every single mom does… I dated to try to replace the father figure my child was missing. I was pretty much grasping for anything with a pulse because honestly I was just so lonely. I had spent my entire pregnancy with friends and family but not with a partner to share kicks, bump growth and appointments with. When you grasp for anything to take the place of something you can end up in some horrible situations. I ended up in horrible relationships that resulted in my daughter seeing me be yelled or abused..all so she could have a “dad” it took a lot of therapy, prayer, self acceptance and self love to get to a point where I was truly comfortable being alone. I conquered all my self love issues but the only thing I have is this single mom guilt..I’m NOT A SINGLE MOM ANYMORE (I was for 8.5 almost 9 years) it’s a hard habit to break that cycle of thinking. I look at pictures of Brooke as a baby and cry because I feel like I didn’t give her the best of me. So that’s what I have to forgive Myself and let go of that mindset. I can’t relive the past and give Brooke a better toddlerhood and infancy, but what I can do it forgive myself and vow to be the best mom I can be always be present…(well as present as you can be with a pre-teen..I’m not as interesting as the phone or YouTube 🙄😂🤷🏾‍♀️)

What do you have to forgive yourself for? This was a tough one very introspective I wasn’t expecting to right a NOVEL! Sheesh!

Thank you for reading and I can’t wait to read yourresponses🤗

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