31 Days of Self Love: Day 12

Wow..I was having an awful day. I’ll be honest I hate Mother’s Day and fake happiness for my kids and family. Inside that day makes me just die. My mom died when I was 11..March 21 1996, so I’ve had more Mother’s days without a mom than with a mom and that day just reminds me of the one thing I’ll never have. So I don’t log in, it’s hard to see people with there moms.. it’s not jealousy it’s just I wonder what’s that’s like you know? I cried most of the night last night to myself, determined to suck it up and paint on a facade in the morning… I did.. then my kids started waking up and my youngest is like cosmically bonded to my emotions whenever I’m sad..she does something to make me belly laugh..so she was drinking a capri sun..and she was squeezing it to spill it on it the floor I said “we don’t spill or drinks” and she looked me square in the eye and said “yeah we do”

Just like that I was bellying laughing! I started to shake off the funk and started snapping pictures.

My daughters are the best thing thing to happen to me..I’ve been a mom longer than I had a mom and that scares me sometimes. I worry I’m not doing it right. I would not be a nurse, have a career or anything.. I have drive because I had to feed Brooke. Brooke was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen..I didn’t feel worthy of enough and felt so bad she dealt a crap hand with me as a mom at 21. I worked so hard to give her everything. When I was pregnant with Brooke, I was alone. I worked 3 jobs because I wanted her to have her own room, when she was born we had a little tiny apartment just the two of us..it was just the two of through it all for years. The constant happiness in my life was the beautiful and wildly intelligent little girl I was given to raise. There were days I was lonely and depressed and she we tell me these stories that were too big for the mind of a 3 year old

So started writing the questions down so I could answer them. Not matter what I was going through I had Brooklyn and Brooklyn had me. I never imagined being able to be that happy or love to capacity until I had my second child

Christy is my wild baby she was born sassy and wonderful and when I thought I was living and had it all figured out..God gave me and entire family. God sent me this man who gives me these moments that make me so happy I cry happy tears for no reason. I have bonus kids.. and I was a grump in my soul but then the babies laugh when they get together

And hearing those laughs and seeing these kids I could focus on missing my mom I’m always good to miss her. But these kids and this man make me sooo happy to be alive. I’ve had moments in life where I didn’t want to be alive, I’m so glad that I didn’t let those thoughts win. If those thoughts would have I wouldn’t have this beautiful life to share.

I get share my life everyday! I’ve never been very good at expressing myself with words in person I have anxiety so it’s hard but discovered sharing what I see, sharing the beauty around me brings me so much happiness. There truly is beauty everywhere around you and I love sharing my beautiful life. This makes me happy my Mother’s Day gift from Chris was time alone to blog and do what I want so I’m in my car listening to youtubers talk about laws of attraction and it’s exactly what I want. I just to love to create that makes me happy.

Now that see what makes me happy y’all talk to me! I’m nosey! What makes you happy I love to know.

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