31 Days of Self Love: Day 21

I didn’t think I was worthy of love for a long time. I failed at so many relationships I just decided in my mind perhaps I had done something in a past life and I just wasn’t worthy of love. I always wanted it. I prayed for it. I cheered when I saw my friends fall in love. I laid in bed and imagined what it would be like for someone to love me. Not like the movies..But real love. I just wanted to know what that felt like but for whatever reason I felt like I wasn’t worthy or good enough for that love. I just didn’t think it was in the cards for me of it was something that was even possible. I just experienced so much loss and pain. I just wanted to be loved and happy but I felt like I was unworthy of that and I really can’t pin point why. I just never felt good enough and I think that’s just a self esteem issue. I’m still struggling with these things so at times it’s hard for me to expect love. I’m learning everyday and I’m getting better it but it’s wasn’t something that I was accustomed to. I had love from family but as far as romantic love. I just got true unconditional love in the last 3 years and it’s been phenomenal. There were moments in the beginning where I could see myself self sabotaging my relationship simply because I had never experienced real love. Im also working on believing that I deserve true happiness. I always thought my happiness was contingent on the relationship I had with a man. I always linked happiness with the being in relationship. I’ve recently discovered it’s ok to be happy alone. Just being happy with my own silence, not fearing silence has been a blessing. I had never spent time alone with myself without feeling “weird” like I have to be doing something. I’ve started to meditate for minutes at a time to get used to being alone with my own thoughts. In my 20’s I was very co-dependent. I had this deep fear of ending up alone. It was crippling. I’ve recently discovered that happiness is an inside job. I alone am in charge of my own happiness. I’ve taken the time to indulge myself in the small things that bring me happiness just being present in the moments that I share with my family. I find happiness in a cup of coffee at noon. I’ve learned that your mindset really determines your happiness. For so long I had given the power to others to “make me happy” I was in charge of my happiness along and I deserve happiness. Everyone does. I don’t know o denied myself happiness for long but it feels great to finally have genuine happiness. Real happiness that comes from inside. I’m still working on this, it’s something I work on daily because well frankly I spent 2 decades improperly loving myself (I would say 3 decades but I was eating sand at 3.. I started forming self esteem issues at around 13 sooo yeah 2 decades improper love😅) I’m hopeful that as time goes on I’ll feel more deserving of these things because sometimes I’ll be honest I feel like there both just costumes I’m trying but no…the love is mine, and happiness is mine I just have to keep telling myself I deserve this beautiful life.

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