Over the past 6 months I’ve been on a mission. I’ve been trying to cultivate genuine friendships. I have a lot of friends. Well I have a lot of people that I have know for many years and had friendships with in the past. I tried to reconnect with my friends from my past, high school friends etc.. really I tried to connect with anyone online who know me in real life and seemed like they wanted a friendship🤷🏾♀️ I have a lot of “Friends” online but I just want to publicly state
Just because you have a large social media following that doesn’t not mean you have real life friends…
So I’m lonely. I have a beautiful family and a wonderful relationship and having those things I noticed that I have no genuine female companionship offline. I wanted this soooo bad!
I just wanted a friend to call me and say “Hi Shayla, I see you like brunch.. I like brunch let’s have brunch” now I realize I have kids and job but I also have a willingness to have a meaningful friendship with someone my age. I just want someone to be able to call in the middle of the day and crack joke with.
But I’m socially awkward and have a social anxiety disorder and it really prevents me from making friends. I just stare sometimes or look like I have “resting bitch face” but I’m just trying to organize my thoughts so I don’t say “your face paint looks cool bruh” I’m just weird. The friends I have from my past it’s hard to like call them, I don’t know what to say and I feel like I’m bothering them. So I just sit there all day wishing someone will call me and they never do.
So this year I made a New Years resolution to “Make a friend and re-connect with my old friends” and I did I reached out to old school buddies, not just any buddies the ones who seemed like they did want to hand out. They talked in the comments, and I was like “yes omg they like me.” I would try to make a date. I get ghosted every time. I would sit there and wonder “what’s wrong with me?” And you’re left feeling like your 17 again no quite fitting in.. surface level friendships. I reached out, I reach out, I planned brunches, I got ghosted. I didn’t let it detour me. I just dove deeper into my online friendships. Which kick ass. I had a friend online send my kids gifts this year. I had paid rent, my bills and could only buy one present each of my kids and I said this a group of close mom group friends that sent my kids clothes and Christmas cards. I was so touched by that kindness. I was also confused why I couldn’t replicate that in real life. If strangers could see these qualities in me why couldn’t these people who had known me my whole life? I stopped thinking about it and went online and studied (that’s what I do best) I took online classes about how to make a friend. I implemented what I learned and just kept trying. I failed. I still have no friends. I prayed and talked to my fiancé he said “Shayla the same thing happens to me… but we have each other and it will come.” So I dried my tears and registered for school. My daughter Brooklyn said “Mom, join the PTA.. I know you hate those types of moms but you are one of them. You are good mom you’re my best friend but I know you want friends your age..that’s how you get them. Join the PTA.”
So that’s what I’m going to do.. even in the Bible it says to make friends, first present yourself friendly.. I try. I know in the past I had a huge nervous break down in public and online (LIKE KANYE STATUS!) and I wonder is “Do they not want to hang out with me because I’m “crazy?” I can’t help what happened to me. I was sick 🤷🏾♀️ it’s just been like this my whole life. “Popular” but no one is calling me… EVER. No one wants to know how I’m doing.. maybe that’s why I posted so much online. I just had nothing. It’s like have this great life now and actually experiences to share and no genuine people to share it with. I took time to weed out people who thought my dreams where a scam, didn’t support me, didn’t support my business and I got even lonelier. I lost so many people that I have spent nights in tears wondering how these friendships got this way and were they even real? I cared. I genuinely put my heart into loving people but I don’t know to express myself appropriately and I have tendency to isolate to that further makes it hard. I’ve never been able to be comfortable expressing the fact my mental illness prevents me from making proper friendships. I don’t know how to say hi.. because I’m afraid. I’m afraid you’re judging me before I open my mouth. If you from my past I’m afraid you’re judging me for my past and I’m not that person anymore. So it’s hard. I’m getting ready to go try on Bridesmaids Dresses for my wedding
I have 5 bridesmaids and I just want to be friends with them. I’m weird but I want to have nice experiences too. I’ve been married before yes and yes I’ve had people who are friends crack jokes about the fact I’ve been married before shouldn’t matter if this is the 1st time of the 40th.. I’ve never been this happy in my life and I just want to celebrate that I found love being myself. I made a business and living being myself.. why can’t I do the same thing making friends?