I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety disorder when I was 19. I kept experiencing these moments of extreme fear where I could react, couldn’t think I would just cry. I’ve dealt with this as long as I could remember. I just had this fear. No matter how good things were going I had this fear something was going to happen to me and I would physically get sick. Cold sweats, intestinal cramps, light headed and chest pains… I experienced waves of this EVERYDAY. Something would cause this to happen to me. I was worrying so much I couldn’t sleep. I was worrying about this blog. I was worrying about not having friends… I was worried that maybe I was just to weird and anxiety ridden to have friends. This more I was scheduled to meet a new therapist. I started having panic attacks around 5am. I woke up my fiancé because I just couldn’t stop it. The crying was constant not normal crying
Waves of sobbing because I was meeting a new person to tell them about the things I had been through. I also found out that I needed to turn in form for my health insurance so that paper caused me to break down into tears and fears “what if I get sick on the way to the appointment and I need insurance and I don’t have today or what if the girls?” I rushed to the office to turn in the form and then straight to my therapy appointment. Once I made it to therapy.. we’ll let me explain I went to a psychiatrist today, to establish care so when I went the psychiatrist got called out to deal with an emergency… my anxiety went through the roof
She returned and we discussed traumatic events from my past. Some I had buried and didn’t want to remember. She finally said
“I know you think you have social anxiety disorder. You have generalized anxiety disorders, you don’t have insomnia it’s the anxiety keeping you awake”
was floored. This whole time I thought I had one mental health diagnosis and I had another. We also discussed my mental Breakdown from years ago.. more than likely that was triggered by all the alcohol and diet pills (dextroamphetimine) its just meth.. it causes psychosis🤷🏾♀️ hence why I never had another breakdown after that. I also learned that depression can go into remission. My depression is in a state of remission.. which I didn’t even know depression worked like that. I also learned that’s in order for me to sleep at night I need to perform sleep hygiene ( turn off the tv. TURN OFF THE PHONE, turn the alarm clock around if it’s digital, get some white noise machines etc) I declined medication.
I explained that I’ve been medicating with a cannabis vape pen to which she replied:
“Well if that works why are you here”
I was a little put off but I replied
“Ma’am I’ve lost both parents, I’ve been physically abused, sexually assaulted, I’ve been beaten to the point of hospitalization, I’ve been pilled up my whole life.. I need to talk to someone. I need to talk about these horrible things that have happened to me because I just keep them inside and I’m afraid to live my own life.. pills can’t help me I need a dr to talk me through my mind. I have medicine I need guidance.”
She recommended 6 months of therapy and then if nothing has changed I agreed maybe I’ll try something but I’ve haven’t been medicated in 4 years. The last time I was on psyche meds I was on so many and the side effects were forgetfulness and I would forget I took them take too much and then be sick. I stopped taking the meds and went through withdrawals like drug addict withdrawals. Vomiting, chills, the poop, all of it. After that experience i vowed never to take medication again. I’m glad she listened to me. I feel more in control, and hopeful for my mental health in the future. I came home, posted on social media about my day and I logged out, put the phone down and took a nap with my baby. I turned off the tv and turned off my brain for a couple hours and I was refreshed
I feel like for the first time I have some answers. I don’t feel so hopeless. I know I have a long way to get but at least I know I don’t have insomnia or some of the other diagnosis I thought I had in the past. Generalized anxiety disorder is debilitating disorder, but I have tremendous support and I’m not afraid to let people know when I’m not ok. I posted my story on Instagram today after I found out Kate Spade committed suicide. I think people fear labels like depression, anxiety, mental illness and we shouldn’t. We aren’t these diagnosis we are people. We fear losing our identity to these labels. We need to get to a point as a society we don’t need to be perfect or chase these ideal of perfection. I’m not perfect. I’m riddled with anxiety and I’m just trying to cope the best way I can.
Most days I’m completely fine, but I don’t have to pretend like I’m Perfect anymore. I don’t have put on a facade for social media. So when I’m not ok.. I’m honest. I want people to be ok coming forward with these things. There’s so many of us with mental illness and so many of us struggle imagine a world where we didn’t feel ashamed for things we couldn’t control.