This week has been a very challenging week for me. I have generalized anxiety disorder. I’ve dealt with it for many years but this is the first time I’m choosing methods other than pharmaceutical drugs to cope with my diagnosis I’ve elected to have intense therapy with a psychiatrist and journal my progress. I’ve suffered for many years in silence and took pills to pacify the symptoms but never really tackled the diagnosis of anxiety and how to live and cope when my anxiety is out of control. In the past I lied about my diagnosis, I’ve self medicated, self harmed etc however I’m in a place in my life where I’m ready to be honest about my diagnosis, seek therapy and include my support system when things get out of control. I’ve been ok for quite sometime however, life has added situations and opportunities that have triggered my anxiety.
I have a trip coming Saturday to MEET Perez Hilton.
I’m not bring my whole family.. which is rational, and completely normal. It’s a turn around trip. We plan to leave at 0530 hang out Saturday. I don’t have to be at Chippendales tills like 7pm so I figure Chris and the girls can go eat, walk around the Rio no big deal.. but the way my anxiety is set up. For the past 3 or 4 nights since I’ve decided to take the girls with me.. I been having horrible panic attacks.. my brain just goes all Liam Neeson “Taken” and I’m paralyzed by the fear of one of my children being taken!
Last night every time I closed my eyes I would envision the most horrific things. My oldest daughter is always on her phone and my mind decides “what if she’s on her phone, Chris is with Christy and someone walks up and snatches her” my mind just kept playing these irrational scenarios till I was forced to wake up. I did some journaling and wrote out the fact this was irrational and tried to sleep. My entire life I’ve talked myself out of things because of anxiety. It literally rules every moment when it’s bad.. it’s bad. Right now it’s bad. When my anxiety is like this I don’t really post because I don’t like to post when I’m in a negative place. It’s like I should be happy all of these amazing things are happening to me but I’m so scared I’m going to mess it up some how. I have to constantly remind myself this is supposed to be a great time! It’s a family vacation!
My own thoughts hold me captive at times and the fear just says “stay home, that way you don’t have to worry about the girls” I worry about the editing job “You won’t get enough views.. they’re going to fire you” I have to remind myself.. it’s a part time job I’m doing for experience.. and if I stay home I’m missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime plus my kids need to get out. If I’m being honest I’m totally fine staying home online never really interacting.. but that’s not healthy. Every day is battle with Generalized anxiety. I’ve gotten so good at hiding my anxiety attacks I can be looking in the eye with a heart rate of 108 and feeling like I’m drowning in my skin because I don’t know to properly respond to meeting a new person, or my brain creates these scenarios and the first thing my does is fear and worry. I’ve worked really hard this year to get out of the doom and gloom mentality and I’ve done great. However sometimes I can’t control when these thoughts keep me up. I know people take their kids to Vegas everyday. I know that once I go and enjoy myself I’ll feel silly for the time I spent worrying about something that won’t happen. (I mean it could but the odd are I’m not going to be Liam Neesoned) chances are I’m probably going to have the time of my life and experience something incredible. I just have to battle this beast anxiety. Writing out what I feel and and being open about when I’m not ok has been the best thing for me. I think people assume if you’re a super positive person that you’re happy 24/7.. that’s not the case. I’m positive 24/7 but I have life situations that I have to navigate too. When my anxiety takes the wheel and tries to navigate for me.. I take a few deep breathes and try to rationalize. I can’t control the future. I can only be present and enjoy the moment I’m in not worry about what can be. Anything can happen to me and my babies at any moment but I can’t let that fear paralyze me and stop me from living my life. That’s what I’ve done for so long and I refuse! I finally took control of my life and I feel confident about the direction I’m going and I see I still have work as far as my anxiety goes but with the support, therapy and living each day. I think I’ll get it under control. This is tough week and honestly I’m looking forward to that 4 hour car ride with my family. I’m looking forward to seeing their faces seeing the lights and sounds of Vegas. I’m not going to allow anxiety to dictate what I can and can’t do anymore. I have a beautiful family that enjoys a beautiful time. So anxiety maybe knocking at my door but I’m not letting it in! I’m not letting it take over this trip.