Madeline

Cancer took my friend yesterday and I’m not coping well with it. I can wrap my brain around what has happened. I made friends with Madeline Garcia because she married my friend from high school Kristian Garcia. I fell in love with their wedding photos.

Kristian and Madeline just looked so in love. She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid eyes on online and Kristian just looked so handsome and happy. He looked a man supposed to look on his wedding day. They were just the epitome of love and happiness.

When I’m you’re friend online, I’m you’re friend. I wait for your post. I send you jokes. I get in your comments and talk. I remember when you have a bad day. I remember when your wedding everything.

Kristian and Madeline were just picture perfect to me. I saw them get married. I saw their pregnancy announcement.. I was just thrilled. I love a love story. I love a happy ending. I love seeing my friends win online. I get so happy! When some gets a promotion I cheer! I dance with them! It’s my promotion tooooo🙌🏾 I get so emotionally invested in my internet friends.

Kristian and Madeline had baby Fiona too early.. way too early she was a micro premie. I don’t think I ever prayed harder for a baby I didn’t even know or a woman I didn’t know. I just wanted them to have that happily ever after because they just deserved it. Their love in photos made my day. Just to know love like them was out there.

Madeline and I became friends after Fiona was born and just before she announced she had cancer.

As soon as she announced. I started praying and just knew she would beat it. They beat everything else!

They had Fiona. Fiona’s smile and pictures made my day when I would log in. I love to see my friends happy living their best lives online. I was so in awe of Madeline and Kristian. They were still the epitome of love through out this entire ordeal.

I would search for Madeline’s post because I loved her. She was my friend. When she was in the hospital we would inbox each other. I loved her humor.

Even though she was sick she had this sense of humor that was second to none. She was also a kick ass gamer. She played video games with my fiancé.. I loved that she was a girl gamer. Her handle was “DamselNDisdress” I loved her witty.

I’m that internet friend that creeps in your comments to see what you think like 👀 Madeline was just a beautiful spirit. I had gotten to the point after about a year or so of friendship online and I don’t know I just wanted to meet the woman I had prayed for and befriended and some how it worked out Chris and I were near a park with the baby and I wanted to meet Madeline she had gotten out of the hospital and was doing well after a surgery about year about.

She and Kristian love Christy my little baby girl.

Kristian jokes about Christy’s voice that’s She this tiny baby but in his head she has a deep voice like a dude😂🤣🤣

I was sooo happy to meet my friend! I was happy to see my friend doing better and healthy.

I loved just seeing them online

You know how you look for certain people’s post everyday. I used to look for Madeline’s and Kristian post to see how she was doing. I started my blog in March and that kept me busy.

Madeline was the first person to read my blogs.

She would edit them for me when she was bored in the hospital.

I would encourage her anyway I could, but honestly she encouraged me.

She was so strong an brave. The cancer was in her stomach. They found the cancer while she having Fiona. So Fiona saved her life.

I didn’t think my friend was going to die. I didn’t. She was so strong and she had made it through this crazy surgery to remove the cancer so I just KNEW, Kristian and Madeline would have their happy ending.

I just wanted them to win. I just wanted to log in and see she was fine. Maybe I’m naive. I never really seen cancer up close. Even as a nurse I work with patients but I never had a patient with cancer. I never had a family member with cancer. I had only seen cancer from the comfort of my television and in post asking for prayer. I never saw the changes.

The last time I saw my friend in real life was her daughters 1st birthday.

I will always cherish that time. I want to kick myself because I have a habit of getting busy and just thinking oh I’ll do it tomorrow.

I saw Kristian post that Madeline was stopping treatment on Friday. In my mind it still didn’t register I was going to lose my friend. I just figured I’d have time to say goodbye. So I slid into Kristian’s DM’s and tried to make arrangements to see my friend.

I thought we had more time. I went to event for my blog Saturday and I was scrolling and saw Kristian post that she passed away.

I still don’t want to believe this. It just hurts. I hurt for Kristian. He lost his father last year. He was just such as good ass man. He’s just a good fucking person and it not fucking fair what’s happening to him!

My heart is just broken. I want to them to have their happy ending. I want my friend to have his beautiful wife. I want Fiona to have her mom. I met that woman’s whole family. I met all her friends. They were all so wonderful. I only got to be her friend over the course of like a year and some change but it was so great.

We shared jokes, secrets, mostly a lot of laughs. I only met her in really life twice but she was one of those people you meet them once you love them forever.

She was just beautiful. Effortlessly beautiful. A classic beautiful.

She had already been through things most people never endure. She had a miracle baby. She loved her daughter fiercely.

I remember a conversation we had talking about how fast babies grow and they stuff they get into and she made a comment. “I don’t think I’ll get to experience that.”

And I’d always tell her “don’t talk like that man.” Because I just didn’t believe it. I knew my friend was going to be ok!

I almost never want to get that close to a friend online again. I don’t want to hurt like this.

I cried myself to sleep, and woke myself up crying and that’s why I had to write this post. My heart hurts.

I’m online all day. I see photos. I make new friends online all day. I get really attached to my online friends. My online friends mean so much to me.

Madeline was more than an online friend. She was my friend. She was a friend I never thought I would say goodbye to.

I didn’t get to say goodbye in person. I was all over the place Friday. I keep beating myself up because I wanted to. I just thought we had more time.

Why did it happen so fast. I lost my mom, my dad, my great grandfather, my grandfather who raised me after my parents died.. I just don’t cope with loss well. I don’t know how this fair.

She had the perfect life. She just wanted to play video games with her man and baby and be happy. That’s why I loved her so much. She was just a beautiful soul. Just valued the right things in life. Big heart! Big smile. This isn’t fair.

I’ve have this way of always looking on the bright side but I can’t right now. There’s nothing in my mind that can justify this.

Actually there is. My friend doesn’t hurt anymore. The last time I was my friend she was in a lot of pain. The last time I spoke to my friend in the inbox she was in a lot of pain and was pissed she couldn’t keep weight on. She doesn’t have to suffer anymore.

I hurt to her family. As long as I live I’ll make sure Kristian and Fiona are ok. I plan to make them some food and just be there for Kristian. I still don’t know how we met in high school. I don’t care anymore. I know he’s part of my life and family forever now.

R.I.P Madeline Garcia.. Goodbye. I love you friend, I’ll never forget you. you were truly a unicorn.

12 comments

  1. This is amazing… this is exactly how I feel. All that you said. The beautiful life that Kristian and Maddie had, the photos, all of it, loved looking at them and how gorgeous these two young beautiful couple looked and the gorgeous baby girl they made. And yesss all her jokes and sarcasm I’ve been crying since yesterday. I’m still currently crying as I’m writing this. I feel like such an asshole because I waited too long to see Madeline in person and tell her in person how much she meant to me and how inspiring she was and how she is my hero… her and I talked Friday, we had made plans to visit today. I was going to come over and introduce Fiona to Hello Kitty… but today was too late. Now she is gone and I’ll never see her face again in person at least not as soon as I want to. But I’m so angry and scared of this anger. She was supposed to beat this. I never once doubted that she wouldn’t and like you said maybe I too am that naive. When Kristian told me Thursday her state I still didn’t think Maddie only had days, I would not dare think that way…I thought I had today to see her, but I am dealing with the harsh reality that tomorrow is not promised. I met Maddie at work around 2012-2013, a shitty stupid place that did not know how to appreciate her, she was a temp and a breath of fresh air. We hit it off right away…we both had such dark strange sense of humor, we were both wierdos and sang Selena songs…Ugh! So fkd up! So many memories. Then I met Kristian and when she talked about him she just lit up and I loved him too! They were perfect together! It’s sooo fkn unfair! Thank you for writing this… I didn’t know what to do with all this I’m feeling and it’s nice to read someone feels exactly as I do. I can see why Madeline loved you. Sending you comfort and big hugs… I also lost my sister/cousin last year in a car accident she was 25, she was my favorite and then her mom my favorite auntie died the year before from breast cancer my favorite auntie, I lost my man 10 years ago now and my grandmother in August. My father died too before we made ammends after he left my mom brother and me when I was 13. Life seems so unfair… now Madeline was taken in the most awful way and I’m having such a hard time finding beauty again.. it’s scares me. But your blog somehow gives me comfort so thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for writing this blog Shayla. Madeline was a very beautiful person inside and out. After her marriage l truly thought her life was turning around for the better, especially after she had Fiona. Fiona was a miracle and Madeline was meant to be a mother. I know in the past she thought it was impossible but it happened. She will be missed, her beauty, humor,talent, bravery and unconditional love. She accepted me and opened her heart to me during her time here and I love her for that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. I can’t even imagine the pain. Cancer sucks so bad… She sounds like an amazing person who had so much more life to live and I hate hearing about the loss of a young child’s parent.. the loss of a spouse, a daughter, a friend. It makes me cherish the ones around me so much more. Hang in there.. 😢.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for writing this. I’m so glad that this helped you. I loved this comment so fun learning more about her. I only got to know her a short time but she was just the best

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  5. I felt compelled to reply to you because Madeline was my online friend too. Thank you for this.

    My husband and I met Kristian singing at karaoke years back. I believe I only met Madeline in person once but she was so warm, funny, approachable and down to Earth. I never got to visit with her again but was lucky enough to get to know her through Facebook and a bit more through her battle with cancer.

    We messaged back and forth and shared one phone call. I never met Fiona in person but I too felt I knew them asa family and was pulling for their love story to be one that withstood every obstacle. I too logged in to see their photos, to see the love they shared, to see how much determination and strength she poured into fighting for those days with her husband and baby.

    I didn’t have a lifelong friendship with her but I felt we were very kindred spirits. Talking to her and with her was so easy. I loved her morbid sense of humor and how head on she faced everything. She was truly the epitome of inspiring.

    The grief I feel is incomprehensible and I don’t even fully understand it myself…

    My heart feels shattered for Kristian and Fiona and I hope everyone will tell their stories about her…about them. Gone too soon doesn’t even begin to sum it up.

    May she rest easy and may your hearts pieces be glued back together over time.

    In the loving memory of a beautiful light in this world, I send love and peace to all of the lives she touched.

    Liked by 1 person

    • This was like the biggest online hug. Thank you so much for sharing your story of Madeline! I love that people are coming to share. I love learning so much more and hearing these stories. It just shows how special she really was. Hugs. I’m glad you took the time to read my post.

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      • It was definitely an online hug. Take care of your heart and spirit while you take this time to heal…as much as one can. ❤️

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