0420 Brain dump

This post has no meaning. I just have a lot on my mind and I feel like I’m going to pop. I pay $48 a year for this blog.. I’m getting my moneys worth today💅🏿

So I’m writing a book. I get so many messages about blogging and social media. I’m going to answer them in a book. The only problem is. My eyes are getting tired from typing on this little phone alll the time. I’m hunched over all day and it’s no bueno. I need a computer.. I can either get a little Chromebook for like $250

I just googled “good laptop for blogging” and this popped up:

I don’t know. I just know it’s time to invest. I’m not balling out of control so it’s hard for me to spend money. I’m the cheapest person on the planet. If I have to buy something you better believe I’ve researched especially if it’s over $100🤣🤷🏾‍♀️ I know I need this. I’m writing a book! I can do it on my phone I would just rather not.

People see you on our phone and assume you’re not doing anything.. that’s annoying.

I have to go to my good friend Madeline’s memorial service.

I don’t do letting go of friends. The last friends funeral I went to was Eskie Alonzo

She was amazing

She and I became friends because my ex husband and was an officer in the Air Force and her husband was too. I was young and wild and she didn’t judge me. She loved me and looked after me when our husbands deployed. She would encourage me because I took it hard. I was lonely and she became my best friend. She had an aneurysm. I never got to say goodbye. She had two funerals. I went to both and vowed never to attend another friends funeral because it was so hard to look at her husband. It was so hard to look at her kids. It was so hard to look at all those people who were missing her. She was magic. She was like Madeline.

This memorial is different because I have to be there to support my other friend. Madeline’s husband is my friend. I care deeply for friends. I think that’s because I don’t have much family.

I’m technically an orphan.. no parents by the time I was 13. I’ve seen a lot of death. I used to feel like everyone I loved died so I had these fucked up walls growing up. I just don’t like death.

My nana lost her best friend of 40 years last week. They talked everyday like loud hens. Cackling at nothing but old jokes and new gossip. Now the laughter is gone. My nana is hurting and it’s sad to see.

Friends matter. They light up your day. To lose a friend is trauma I can’t really comprehend. You never forget them. Your blessed to have them the time you do.

I can’t imagine the pain the family is feeling if little old me just feels like this.

I hate funerals. I still remember my moms funeral. She had a light pink casket. She didn’t look like herself. My mom was vibrant and beautiful. In the casket she looked.. not like herself. At all. She looked muted, gray, lifeless. I stayed outside with my dad.

My dad’s funeral. That was the worst. We drove cross country during a hurricane and had nowhere to sleep. I only got to view the body he still had waves. I’ll never forget his waves. My granddad held me till I cried myself to sleep.

My grandads funeral.. that’s still fresh even after 7 years that’s the worst day of my life.

I hate funerals. They’re so final.

Well my alarm just went off. I’m not promoting this post I just needed to talk. Sometimes you don’t want to bug your family.. or your friends.

I’m just dealing with a lot blogging, losing a friend. My work life is going through changes. I’m planning a wedding.. I got shit to ponder..

The positives are I have my life health (kinda) and my family is healthy, happy and alive so I can’t complain too much.

I’m very grateful for my life and each opportunity I’m given. I still can’t make everything in my mind make sense sometimes. So I needed to dump out my brain.. I’m glad I did.

Maybe I’ll get some sleep tonight… well today I’m back to writing the outline of my book.. writing and Ebook is harder than I thought.

I plan to have it out by my blogs 1 year anniversary or summer… I mean I am planning a wedding and running a blog.. gotta make that money to pay for the book. Gotta make connects there’s a lot that goes into self publishing a book on amazon. It seems like “oh just type it up” but if you want to make something of it.. you need to know the facts and have a good cover and editor and beta readers… so I have work to do.

I also have regular ass work and I have to go make some cereal for these babies and get myself ready for work.

Tuesday mornings are crazy here.. Chris has classes at night I work 0830-1630 and come home and cook and clean.. but lately I’ve been too sad or too busy to cook.. it’s been a rough month emotionally and physically. Been in the hospital twice ugh and then that puts me behind.. so much on my mind.. sheesh

Wooosa….. gonna take a deep breath.. puff my vape pen and handle life.

Life’s tough.. I’m tougher. Gotta put on my big girl thong and twerk it out.

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