December Goals.. The blog is fine.. I’m not

Last Month I had a goal list a mile long. I wanted to have 3k views, 20 search engine result appearances, I wanted 300 blog subscribers and to finally reach 2k on IG

I did alright. The blog is doing just fine. People are coming to read here everyday even when I don’t promote and that’s a blessing.

However I’m not doing “ok” I have anxiety.. I’ve discussed my anxiety on the blog several times. I thought it was under control. I go to therapy every 6 weeks. I medicate with cannabis. I had been doing really well. This last week however was the worst week of my life.

I was having 6/7 full blown panic attacks

To the point I was driven to tears and nearly went to the emergency room to get meds. I’m trying to cope with anxiety with out the use of pharmaceuticals because I don’t like what meds made me feel like in the past. I had to go through withdrawals getting off those pills. I was a zombie. I was on a pill to sleep, a pill to wake, a pill to be happy. I was wrecking my car. I was bad. I don’t like who I was or what I felt like.

I lost my memory. Yeah I was calm and didn’t have anxiety.. I didn’t have any emotions at all.

I have anxiety around work. I fear losing my job and not being able to provide for my family. I have these notes I have to turn in every week and medical record and whenever I have fill those papers out during the day. I have panic attacks. I fight them. I sweat, I shake, I go to the restroom because when stomach and butt are connected to my anxiety.. it’s bliss 😅 I run this entire gambit of fear based physical responses. The entire team I fill in my notes I shake. I have to write an entry every two hours and I’m afraid I’m going to make a mistake.

I have made a mistake. 6 months ago. I was reprimanded, I corrected myself. That should have been the end of it. For a normal person it would be. For me.. it’s morphed into scouring my notes for hours to make certain that they are perfect. I keep them in a notebook to keep them pristine. My work recently updated to an app. I check the app over and over to make sure my notes are always approved. I call my fiancé and have him make sure the folder is in a safe area away from our toddler. My brain creates scenarios where I’ve made a mistake and I stay up at night freaking out.

My fear is if I don’t have a job I can’t support my family.

That’s not true anymore. That’s not true at all. I know if I was to lose my job, I’d just get another one. I’ve been at this job for 5 years but it’s not the only job in the world. I just happen to really like what I do and have a great patient. My brain is just so afraid to make a mistake I can’t rest.

I spent the weekend in the house, shaking and paranoid about paperwork from my day job. I don’t have paid vacation. I used my sick leave with my crohns appointments. I never have a day where I don’t have to think about notes and medical records.

I feel like a work horse. I’m overworked, I’m overwhelmed. It feels a lot better as I’m typing this. I had been suffering with all this for months but a situation happened Friday I broke down and confessed all this to my nana and Chris.

We have a plan that if this doesn’t stop.. this being the multiple panic attacks, the obsession with the papers and perfection. I’m going to the E.R. I have a therapist with the V.a but he can’t see me on Fridays and that’s the only day available I have so I have to switch therapist. I don’t know if maybe I just need more one on one therapy time.

I worry about stupid things. Papers.. money. We were not doing well financially last year and I stressed every month making ends meet. Things changed and we don’t have that fear but my brain still hoards money. I won’t spend more than I need. Like I’m still grasping money to pay rent and I don’t have to. It’s like I have financial PTSD.

The blog and creating relieve stress from but I don’t know how many post a week I can keep up with. I have to focus on my health. I’ve never experienced anything like this. Panic attacks suck and they just keep happening. I feel like it a ball rolling down a hill and I’m trying with all my might to catch it and look fine.

On the outside I’ve appeared to fine but on the inside my skeleton is trying to escape my skin and I’m just trying to function and be normal. It’s been hell week in my body.

It’s 0406.. I have to do some paperwork at my day job this morning and I’m already stressed about it. I woke up at 225 in cold sweat just knowing that I have these papers to do. I’ve told myself I’m fine. Everyone has told me I’m fine but I can’t rationalize. This fear is just ridiculous. My victories this week were simply leaving the house to get groceries. Chris has to drive me because I was having panic attacks while driving and the baby could hear me crying. My nana kept the girls last night so I could just relax. I’ll be just chilling and then out no where “you need to check your notes” I’ll get out of the bed and looks at my notes. Check the app. Get in bed all while my heart is going bananas and I’m grasping for air and my family looks at me like I’ve lost it and I say “just checkin my notes” it’s become such a problem my toddler says it.

I made one mistake and I can’t let it go. I’ve never been that close to losing my job.. I wasn’t that close I just felt like I was and at the time we needed my job for everything so I was just done. It’s like I can’t move past that.

So I don’t have blogging goals this month. I’m just trying to heal and cope. If you have any tips or you have been through anything similar please let me know what you have and what has helped you.

I’m open to anything.. I need some prayers, positive vibes all that.

Well I’m getting ready for work now. I’m going to make it through this week… the goal is no panic attacks for one day this week. That’s all I can handle at the moment.. and that’s okay. My brain feels like a boiled apple pushed through a grate.. I feel like brain Apple sauce. I have to hold it together at work and for my family so I don’t have the energy to hold it together online too at the moment… besides. It’s the holidays.. Time to focus on family and love.

If you read this far thank you.. bless you. Writing helps me.. this really helped me to feel better… well gotta face the day.

I don’t know when my post will be.. I’m thinking until I feel better. Maybe one post a week. I’ll let you know when I can handle more.. I’m sending you light and love.. I’m receiving it as well!

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