Yesterday I was actually in the process of bailing on my therapist when he called.

I’m never late to therapy .. in fact I’m always on time in my teal scrubs, swirling coffee and Scowling at him because I don’t like to be late for work and I work at 0830.

I was grateful he called.

I had just experienced the worst few days of my life which I outlined in this post December Goals.. The blog is fine.. I’m not. I was a shaken shell of a person when he called.

I answered the phone.. My therapist looks like Pete Davidson and Justin Long had a baby so through out the post you’ll see Justin Long and Pete Davidson because that’s what I see when he’s talking to me.. even in person.. my brain sees these guys..

He’s mid early 30’s maybe late 20’s I really can’t tell. Maybe that’s why I keep going 🤣🤷🏾‍♀️

What I do know is he’s a soothing hipster that really talks sense into me and that’s why I like him.

I explained to him:

“It got so bad I wanted meds again and I wanted to go to the emergency room for them to give me something to calm me down me!”

Me stopped me and said:

“Don’t go to the emergency room for your panic attacks.. the staff with hate you.”

“You have to remember as bad as this feels, it’s only going to last for 20 minutes. Tell your support team to remind you that this only last 20 minutes. Also you know medication takes about 60 minutes to kick in so you may feel so relief for 20 minutes but you need to talk about your intrusive thoughts inside of taking a pill”

I then said to him “yeah and I know it takes 6-8 weeks for that med to kick in and I can work out a lot in 6-8 weeks.. but that’s how bad it got! I was will to risk 4 years meds free to stop those attacks!”

My therapist and I are trying to get me to cope with anxiety without medication for a year before I decide to just take meds.

I’ve been on every med you can imagine for mental illness and it was hell going through withdrawals to come off psyche meds.

4 years ago I nearly died because I took my psych meds twice in one day. When you take too many of this one med you throw up uncontrollably, get dizzy, shake… I’m a nurse it rendered me unable to see my patients that day.

I decided that was it. I could NOT live like that. I was taking meds to wake up and function, taking meds to sleep. The sleep meds weren’t wearing off in time so I was wrecking my car. NEARLY FLIPPED MY SUV WITH BROOKE INSIDE! I was gaining weight. I felt detached from own life. Pills were just not for me.

I battled my depression and anxiety with diet and exercise as cliche as it sounds.

I would walk my daughter to school and then I walk myself to the gym.

I started to clean eat, learned about Meal prepping and Veganism. I really took a holistic approach to my mental health.

I am not anti-medication. There are people that need medication. Medications save lives. I’m a nurse for god sake!

I’m anti medication for me at this time because I need to learn to cope.

My therapist told me

“We are re-training your brain. You have trained your brain to anxious all the time. So even when there is no stressful stimuli, your brain creates it. We are going to train your brain to recognize irrational thoughts, acknowledge the irrational thought, think about the worst outcome, and then is ask yourself “is that really going to happen or is my mind trying to create a situation to be fearful”

My fears stem from making mistakes and trying to be perfect.

I have to carry a small notebook and write down those irrational thoughts and show myself “this is irrational.”

I have also increase my therapy sessions to bi-weekly until further notice.

I’m blessed! There are people who have a weekend like I had and don’t have a nana to keep their kids for the night.

I have a fiancé who held me through every panic attack. Talked me through every single irrational thought. Kissed me, ran me a bath, FED me soup like a baby wrapped in a blanket because my mind was just mush and I couldn’t adult!

My greatest fear…..losing my job, not being able to pay rent and my family is homeless.. YEP! That’s what keeps me up at night.

That’s what’s triggering these attacks. I have a fear of being financially destitute! I’ve never been that way.. I’ve struggled, I’ve paid rent then had to live on ramen and good looks because my child needed diapers and milk. I lived like that for a long time. I don’t have to live like that now but my brain can’t let it go.

We aren’t struggling but my brain is like.. “WHAT IF YOU GET FIRED TOMORROW!” And then I create situations and panic!

I’m so used to being super woman and providing. That I forget that I’m not alone. I don’t have to mentally carry all these burdens. I forget this man asked for my hand in marriage. I can tell him that have fears of not being able to financially provide… and he can tell me

“You’re not alone. We are a team!”

I’m not alone and I have to see that.

I have family praying and reaching out

My therapist told me a lot in our 17 minute conversation.

1.. write my thoughts and look and look at them.

2.. ask for help! I’m not super mom! I’m not a super hero! I can’t keep these feeling bottled up

3.. panic attacks only last 20 minutes.. Even though it feels like I’m gonna die.. I’m not.

“If you constantly worry about making mistakes.. you’re going to make one!”

When my Therapist said that.. I said

“So I manifested negativity!”

He replied “oh yeah.. you did! You are fortunate to have great insight.. USE IT! You could have had a great weekend with your family instead you used it to panic about things that you said yourself never even happened.”

I had worried for nothing. The paper I was paranoid about.. was in the place I left it.. turned in on time.. Two days early to be exact.

I’m just anal about paperwork that involves my check.

I lost out on time with my children

I missed out because I created this “doom and gloom” situation that only exists in my mind because I didn’t speak up and say

“I’ve experienced being the sole breadwinner of my family, so mistakes on my job make me feel like I could lose my job and have no way of providing”

Even typing that out I know.. I could get another job, there’s unemployment insurance, there’s family members that would help and well I’m forgetting.. I’m not alone.. even if I don’t have it.. I have a partner!

I’m thankful for that phone call from my therapist. Sometimes you just need Pete Davidson and Justin Long’s love child to talk some sense into you.

If you are a veteran and need someone to talk to

Here’s the V.A helpline tel:1-800-273-8255

Here’s the number for NAMI tel:1-800-950-NAMI (national Alliance on mental illness)

NAMI can you help you find a therapist near you!