Over the weekend I have some events occur that made me realize I’m 34 and I don’t have any deep DEEPPP friendships.

I have friends that I have known my entire life that I don’t feel comfortable enough calling in the middle of the night.

I don’t like to bother people.

I don’t know if it’s an anxiety thing or what but I just feel awkward intruding on someone’s day.

I almost pray someone will think enough of me to text me for once but that doesn’t happen.

I think people assume people with large followings have a lot of friends.. that not the case.

This is a message I sent my nana at 0700 in the morning…

I had several instances over the weekend that just broke me.

When it broke me..

I realized I didn’t have anyone to turn to but the friends I’ve made online and Chris.. he was asleep..

He had been awake all night drying my tears after

I had to face the cold hard truth that.. I had a baby when my friends were making their lifetime bonds.

I was working when my friends were in college becoming who they are.

I went to college too at night after work, I had child, a job, bills.. I really didn’t have time for friends and I didn’t want to bore them with the details of my new life as mom.

I had a child at 21.. my friends where just getting into the groove of partying when I announced I was pregnant.

I worked 3 jobs and got myself an apartment so Brooke would have her own room.

That’s all I cared about.

I figured my friends would be there but life gets in the way.

I’m aware of that.

I’m a work-a-holic.

I always have been.

If you’ve worked with me you know I’m a perfectionist on the job.

I come early. I leave late.

I’m meticulous but I can still make you laugh.

Work is important but my family is more important and I was always trying to make a family for Brooke.

So with me trying to create families, be married, raise a child, work full time.

I just had no time to have friends.

I mean I’d reach out but I really hate to burden people

There was a time in my life that if my name popped up the phone.. it mean something dramatic was happening like EARTHSHAKING so I just kind of kept to myself.

I attempted to keep the friendships with the people I’ve know in middle school and high school because I don’t like to make new friendS.

It hard.

I feel like I’m being judged or I’m not “cool” enough.. I don’t know.

Anxiety prevents me from a lot of things and making friends is one.

In my head I just feel like I’m bothering people if I reach out but I still want that connection.

I’m not asking for too much when I say I want a friend.

I honestly want someone I can meet up with for lunch that doesn’t care that I’m 420 friendly, likes good food, the beach, Netflix and judging things online..

It’s like I finally have my life together and I want a friend to be able to call and say “hey girl hey.. how are you”

And I know people reading this are like “why don’t you just call”

I always call and text everyone first!

I’m sick of calling them! I’m tired of reaching out first.. in fact I’m done.

I gave it year… for one year I texted the friends I cared about more often.. no one ever text first some never even returned text.

It wasn’t that big of a deal but over time it shows you the history of your friendship and where you stand with people.

My love for my friends is always there. I’d take bullet for them, they who they are but I see what I mean to them. I’m human it hurts when your love isn’t reciprocated.

I’m also mad sentimental and sensitive. I talk big, I fight hard but I’m a big softy. I have a tender heart.

I’m the friend that at everyone’s baby shower, birthday party, hell if you lotion your elbows and invite me to come I’ll come because I just want a damn friend!

It’s not as easy as people think it is to establish friendships after a certain age. I means seriously..

How do you make friends as an adult?

I have a childhood bestie Ashley, know I can text day or night and she will text back and talk to me all the time… but I met my best friend in middle school when it was easy!

Literally the boy next door got sick of me talking his head off and he said “There’s a u-haul with a girl and family.. go be her friend.. talk to her she’s a girl”

I knocked on their door and I been talking her head off for over 23 years.

I’m super awkward, I work 24/7, I have kids, a man, a house, bills.. I’m not in middle school.. Frankie isn’t here to introduce me to Ashley 🤷🏾‍♀️

How do I make friends as an adult with a full time job.. there’s not app for friends..

I would totally make a friend dating profile:

“Hi, I’m Shayla… I’m 34, I’m a Capricorn.. I enjoy reality tv.. Bravo and vh1.. (I’m with that ratchetry👀) I’m cannamom I have two kids. I work a lot, I’m only off on the weekends..I like to look at cute babies and cute animals online… I share my Netflix and Hulu password with like 90 people. I like wine, weed, hot women, food, anime and stand up comedy. I shop at thrift store and I make really great cocktails, I can dance but my knees hurt now, I’m still down to party though…you wanna kick it or nah?”

I’m just looking for the same🤷🏾‍♀️

I think my problem is I thought the friends I had in the past would reconnect once they had kids and that didn’t happen.

In my mind the friendship was reserved.. almost wrapped in plastic and placed in the freezer for safe keeping but it wasn’t.

Freezers don’t work on time.

People change.

I’ve changed.

I think a lot of people hold my past against me and honestly I can’t change who I was.

I can’t change what I’ve done. I can only be a better person now and I have been.

It’s evident in my life. If you don’t see a change in my life in the last 4 years it because you don’t want to.

I finally have the happiness, the family, the life, the job I want I’m just looking for the friend to connect with.

I have had to face the harsh reality that I may never connect with those friends the way I desire.

The way I feel about them.. they don’t feel the same.

That’s hard to take in any kind of relationship.

I know for myself in romantic relationships I used to have tendency to force things and just want to be loved soooo bad… when really he’s just not that into you…

Well I had to face it.. a lot of people are just not that into me🤷🏾‍♀️

It hurt. It still hurts.

But I have a plan

Move forward and make new connections!

I have a life that allows me to connect with so many people each day.

I think I take that for granted.

I also think I take my online friends for granted.

I’ve been dying to connect with the same few friends in real life and the people who constantly swoop in are the same 4 or 5 online friends.

They’ve sent Christmas gifts, cards for birthdays..

We’ve had wine on FaceTime, sang songs..

I have amazing friends online.. and friends in real life that show up consistently that I don’t give them attention I should because I’ve been waiting for others to “like” me enough to want to make time for me in their lives.

I feel really bad about that right now. I’ve cried about that.

It’s hard to face it but the truth is people make time for the people they want to.

People make time for the things they want to do.

I wrote a book in my spare time.. I know people can make time for who and what they want.

I am in a place in my life where I am actively making time for those who make time for me.

I see what it’s like to be the friend that there for everyone and no one is there for me and that’s a hard feeling.

I don’t like to put myself in constant positions of pain and discomfort.

I’m a realist.

I see numbers, I see facts, I see actions.

I don’t care about words… I’m a writer I slang words for a living.

If I can’t get those I care about to show up for the little things, I can’t trust anyone to be there when it’s something HUGE.

I’m big on principle of things.

I’m so sick of hearing “I’m sorry” it doesn’t hurt anymore I’m numb to it but I want more now. I deserve it.

I’ve been chasing fantasy friendships in my head.

“I bet it would be cool to hang out with Jim and Earl”

But Jim and Earl don’t want to be bothered with me! If they did they would reach out!

I’ve been placing friends on pedestals, basically trying to rekindle what I’ve lost with old friends and I can’t.

That’s left me pretty broken actually. I can’t lie. I’m not ok right now. I will be but right now… I’m not.

My heart hurts.

I’ve looked around and I’m 34 with no real deep connections.

People “know me” but no one KNOWS me.. my future husband does and that’s all that really matters.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want want a companion… you know like these chicks:

“Sex and the city” MESSED me up man…

I’ve been trying to create this iconic friendship “squad” my whole life but I had a baby when I was Carrie Bradshaw’s age 🤷🏾‍♀️

I didn’t have time for cocktails but I craved that connection.

I always have. I’m a mix of Samantha and Carrie…

I’m just not sure how to make connections with people. I’m so painfully awkward.

I look at everything. I am able to look at myself and see I’m not a perfect friend.

I won’t text you everyday.

I know you have a life.. so do I.

I may not even text or call you every week.

I will see how you are doing, I’ll check in.

When you invite I’ll be there.

When you need me for anything, I’m there.

I don’t judge. I will tell you what’s wrong and right.

I’ll be a good friend… I think I know why I’m not a good friend… anxiety is tough to make friends with

How do you friends when you have anxiety?

One time… Chris wanted me to meet his friends wife.. I had anxiety so bad I had panic attacks all day, picked a fight with Chris and I go to the party.. I felt like everyone was looking at me..

I don’t talk much when I meet people the first time.. my heart was pounding.. I was soo nervous..

My brain was thinking “Oh my God, Ive overdressed, I think my skirt is way too short.. this isn’t where I thought we were going.. I bet they think I’m slutty because I wore this.. oh God I need a drink.. what’s her name again? I hope I don’t sound stupid.. can’t sound stupid if you don’t talk…”

And I shut down… this happens to me anytime I’m meeting a new person so I don’t like meeting new people. It’s exhausting.

It so hard.

I feel like a freak, I don’t know how to communicate when I’m meeting someone new as friend.

For business or work.. it’s different.

I know what I’m doing. I’m almost cocky in a business meeting. I know how to conduct myself.

I have a hard time opening up and letting people into know who I really am.

I’m afraid people won’t like me.. the real me.

The me who just wants to do nothing but talk wine, YouTube stats and memes.

The me who’s just… me.

I’m just a normal person.. I don’t care about followers.. I want a genuine friend.

A real connection. I want someone to care enough to text me on Wednesday for lunch on Sunday. Just because they want to hang and chat.

I’m craving real caring not just words.

I’m really longing for that and I have been for awhile. I’ve just never been open about it.

It’s almost to the point I feel desperate. I’m at the stage where I’m open to new people.

I have friends that turned into family because of jobs. I need to place myself in situations to meet new people and not be afraid.

I can’t change where I fit into people lives and I’m done trying.

I can’t keep forcing my friendship on people.

I love hard. I friend love hard and I have to let go and see who’s really there for me and focus on those people.

That’s hard.

The first step to any process is admitting there’s a problem.. I’m 34 with no deep connections…

My solution.. I’m going to make some🤷🏾‍♀️

Wish me luck.. I made the first step..

I text some folks today that I met at a convention and I made a friend date.. invited someone to the beach with my family..

I even talked to someone about a problem.

I’m not hopeless after all 😅

Do you have issues making friends as an adult? What have you done? I’d love some tips!

I’m serious 👀