The Friendship Diaries

Over the weekend I have some events occur that made me realize I’m 34 and I don’t have any deep DEEPPP friendships.

I have friends that I have known my entire life that I don’t feel comfortable enough calling in the middle of the night.

I don’t like to bother people.

I don’t know if it’s an anxiety thing or what but I just feel awkward intruding on someone’s day.

I almost pray someone will think enough of me to text me for once but that doesn’t happen.

I think people assume people with large followings have a lot of friends.. that not the case.

This is a message I sent my nana at 0700 in the morning…

I had several instances over the weekend that just broke me.

When it broke me..

I realized I didn’t have anyone to turn to but the friends I’ve made online and Chris.. he was asleep..

He had been awake all night drying my tears after

I had to face the cold hard truth that.. I had a baby when my friends were making their lifetime bonds.

I was working when my friends were in college becoming who they are.

I went to college too at night after work, I had child, a job, bills.. I really didn’t have time for friends and I didn’t want to bore them with the details of my new life as mom.

I had a child at 21.. my friends where just getting into the groove of partying when I announced I was pregnant.

I worked 3 jobs and got myself an apartment so Brooke would have her own room.

That’s all I cared about.

I figured my friends would be there but life gets in the way.

I’m aware of that.

I’m a work-a-holic.

I always have been.

If you’ve worked with me you know I’m a perfectionist on the job.

I come early. I leave late.

I’m meticulous but I can still make you laugh.

Work is important but my family is more important and I was always trying to make a family for Brooke.

So with me trying to create families, be married, raise a child, work full time.

I just had no time to have friends.

I mean I’d reach out but I really hate to burden people

There was a time in my life that if my name popped up the phone.. it mean something dramatic was happening like EARTHSHAKING so I just kind of kept to myself.

I attempted to keep the friendships with the people I’ve know in middle school and high school because I don’t like to make new friendS.

It hard.

I feel like I’m being judged or I’m not “cool” enough.. I don’t know.

Anxiety prevents me from a lot of things and making friends is one.

In my head I just feel like I’m bothering people if I reach out but I still want that connection.

I’m not asking for too much when I say I want a friend.

I honestly want someone I can meet up with for lunch that doesn’t care that I’m 420 friendly, likes good food, the beach, Netflix and judging things online..

It’s like I finally have my life together and I want a friend to be able to call and say “hey girl hey.. how are you”

And I know people reading this are like “why don’t you just call”

I always call and text everyone first!

I’m sick of calling them! I’m tired of reaching out first.. in fact I’m done.

I gave it year… for one year I texted the friends I cared about more often.. no one ever text first some never even returned text.

It wasn’t that big of a deal but over time it shows you the history of your friendship and where you stand with people.

My love for my friends is always there. I’d take bullet for them, they who they are but I see what I mean to them. I’m human it hurts when your love isn’t reciprocated.

I’m also mad sentimental and sensitive. I talk big, I fight hard but I’m a big softy. I have a tender heart.

I’m the friend that at everyone’s baby shower, birthday party, hell if you lotion your elbows and invite me to come I’ll come because I just want a damn friend!

It’s not as easy as people think it is to establish friendships after a certain age. I means seriously..

How do you make friends as an adult?

I have a childhood bestie Ashley, know I can text day or night and she will text back and talk to me all the time… but I met my best friend in middle school when it was easy!

Literally the boy next door got sick of me talking his head off and he said “There’s a u-haul with a girl and family.. go be her friend.. talk to her she’s a girl”

I knocked on their door and I been talking her head off for over 23 years.

I’m super awkward, I work 24/7, I have kids, a man, a house, bills.. I’m not in middle school.. Frankie isn’t here to introduce me to Ashley 🤷🏾‍♀️

How do I make friends as an adult with a full time job.. there’s not app for friends..

I would totally make a friend dating profile:

“Hi, I’m Shayla… I’m 34, I’m a Capricorn.. I enjoy reality tv.. Bravo and vh1.. (I’m with that ratchetry👀) I’m cannamom I have two kids. I work a lot, I’m only off on the weekends..I like to look at cute babies and cute animals online… I share my Netflix and Hulu password with like 90 people. I like wine, weed, hot women, food, anime and stand up comedy. I shop at thrift store and I make really great cocktails, I can dance but my knees hurt now, I’m still down to party though…you wanna kick it or nah?”

I’m just looking for the same🤷🏾‍♀️

I think my problem is I thought the friends I had in the past would reconnect once they had kids and that didn’t happen.

In my mind the friendship was reserved.. almost wrapped in plastic and placed in the freezer for safe keeping but it wasn’t.

Freezers don’t work on time.

People change.

I’ve changed.

I think a lot of people hold my past against me and honestly I can’t change who I was.

I can’t change what I’ve done. I can only be a better person now and I have been.

It’s evident in my life. If you don’t see a change in my life in the last 4 years it because you don’t want to.

I finally have the happiness, the family, the life, the job I want I’m just looking for the friend to connect with.

I have had to face the harsh reality that I may never connect with those friends the way I desire.

The way I feel about them.. they don’t feel the same.

That’s hard to take in any kind of relationship.

I know for myself in romantic relationships I used to have tendency to force things and just want to be loved soooo bad… when really he’s just not that into you…

Well I had to face it.. a lot of people are just not that into me🤷🏾‍♀️

It hurt. It still hurts.

But I have a plan

Move forward and make new connections!

I have a life that allows me to connect with so many people each day.

I think I take that for granted.

I also think I take my online friends for granted.

I’ve been dying to connect with the same few friends in real life and the people who constantly swoop in are the same 4 or 5 online friends.

They’ve sent Christmas gifts, cards for birthdays..

We’ve had wine on FaceTime, sang songs..

I have amazing friends online.. and friends in real life that show up consistently that I don’t give them attention I should because I’ve been waiting for others to “like” me enough to want to make time for me in their lives.

I feel really bad about that right now. I’ve cried about that.

It’s hard to face it but the truth is people make time for the people they want to.

People make time for the things they want to do.

I wrote a book in my spare time.. I know people can make time for who and what they want.

I am in a place in my life where I am actively making time for those who make time for me.

I see what it’s like to be the friend that there for everyone and no one is there for me and that’s a hard feeling.

I don’t like to put myself in constant positions of pain and discomfort.

I’m a realist.

I see numbers, I see facts, I see actions.

I don’t care about words… I’m a writer I slang words for a living.

If I can’t get those I care about to show up for the little things, I can’t trust anyone to be there when it’s something HUGE.

I’m big on principle of things.

I’m so sick of hearing “I’m sorry” it doesn’t hurt anymore I’m numb to it but I want more now. I deserve it.

I’ve been chasing fantasy friendships in my head.

“I bet it would be cool to hang out with Jim and Earl”

But Jim and Earl don’t want to be bothered with me! If they did they would reach out!

I’ve been placing friends on pedestals, basically trying to rekindle what I’ve lost with old friends and I can’t.

That’s left me pretty broken actually. I can’t lie. I’m not ok right now. I will be but right now… I’m not.

My heart hurts.

I’ve looked around and I’m 34 with no real deep connections.

People “know me” but no one KNOWS me.. my future husband does and that’s all that really matters.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want want a companion… you know like these chicks:

“Sex and the city” MESSED me up man…

I’ve been trying to create this iconic friendship “squad” my whole life but I had a baby when I was Carrie Bradshaw’s age 🤷🏾‍♀️

I didn’t have time for cocktails but I craved that connection.

I always have. I’m a mix of Samantha and Carrie…

I’m just not sure how to make connections with people. I’m so painfully awkward.

I look at everything. I am able to look at myself and see I’m not a perfect friend.

I won’t text you everyday.

I know you have a life.. so do I.

I may not even text or call you every week.

I will see how you are doing, I’ll check in.

When you invite I’ll be there.

When you need me for anything, I’m there.

I don’t judge. I will tell you what’s wrong and right.

I’ll be a good friend… I think I know why I’m not a good friend… anxiety is tough to make friends with

How do you friends when you have anxiety?

One time… Chris wanted me to meet his friends wife.. I had anxiety so bad I had panic attacks all day, picked a fight with Chris and I go to the party.. I felt like everyone was looking at me..

I don’t talk much when I meet people the first time.. my heart was pounding.. I was soo nervous..

My brain was thinking “Oh my God, Ive overdressed, I think my skirt is way too short.. this isn’t where I thought we were going.. I bet they think I’m slutty because I wore this.. oh God I need a drink.. what’s her name again? I hope I don’t sound stupid.. can’t sound stupid if you don’t talk…”

And I shut down… this happens to me anytime I’m meeting a new person so I don’t like meeting new people. It’s exhausting.

It so hard.

I feel like a freak, I don’t know how to communicate when I’m meeting someone new as friend.

For business or work.. it’s different.

I know what I’m doing. I’m almost cocky in a business meeting. I know how to conduct myself.

I have a hard time opening up and letting people into know who I really am.

I’m afraid people won’t like me.. the real me.

The me who just wants to do nothing but talk wine, YouTube stats and memes.

The me who’s just… me.

I’m just a normal person.. I don’t care about followers.. I want a genuine friend.

A real connection. I want someone to care enough to text me on Wednesday for lunch on Sunday. Just because they want to hang and chat.

I’m craving real caring not just words.

I’m really longing for that and I have been for awhile. I’ve just never been open about it.

It’s almost to the point I feel desperate. I’m at the stage where I’m open to new people.

I have friends that turned into family because of jobs. I need to place myself in situations to meet new people and not be afraid.

I can’t change where I fit into people lives and I’m done trying.

I can’t keep forcing my friendship on people.

I love hard. I friend love hard and I have to let go and see who’s really there for me and focus on those people.

That’s hard.

The first step to any process is admitting there’s a problem.. I’m 34 with no deep connections…

My solution.. I’m going to make some🤷🏾‍♀️

Wish me luck.. I made the first step..

I text some folks today that I met at a convention and I made a friend date.. invited someone to the beach with my family..

I even talked to someone about a problem.

I’m not hopeless after all 😅

Do you have issues making friends as an adult? What have you done? I’d love some tips!

I’m serious 👀

16 comments

  1. This hit home on so many levels. I recently sent a “dear you bitches ” text to my long time group of friends because this past year has been pure bs with some and I was sick of it! I have a core group that I’m beyond grateful for and a family made me of work friends who I ride and die for but the pressure and loneliness of chronic illness, depression, anxiety, and in overall sensitivity make it hard to let ppl in. Even my closest would have to all get together and tell the part of me they know in order to gain a somewhat full view of me because no one knows it all. I keep secrets, always feel unfairly judged, and I’ve never been “cool”. I often feel misunderstood which makes me close up. Smdh.

    Hi! My name is Elisa everyone calls me EB (even my mom and boss) . I’m 30 years old (31 in a few weeks). I like food, watching funny movies high , comfy clothes, selfies, and will negotiate the price of life but spend my last on a good meal. I have 2 dogs, no kids, have been divorced, and have very few regrets because life is learning. I am honest even when its rude, have little tact, a short temper , smart mouth, and will literally move mountains for those I love. Open to all forms of ratchet debauchery and enjoy twerking in public… WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Honestly, where have you been all my life? We are literally the same person. I’m a Cancer and know what it’s like to retreat every time you get put into uncomfortable situations. I also am that friend that checked in on everyone but didn’t get the same in return.

    2 years ago I decided to leave my family in Orlando and move to Atlanta with Cameron’s family to get a new start since finding a job was a hassle. It was the greatest decision I’ve ever made but finding friends has been such a pain.

    Last year around this time we finally found a friend group that I thought would be like Sex and the City and they just weren’t mature enough for me and they completely cut me off without explanation. It was a hard pill to swallow. I decided to start blogging to fill the void they left and I’ve met so many awesome internet friends but I still have those days when I wish I had real friends that I could go and just shoot the breeze with.

    I’m seriously so glad I found you because you’re such an inspiration to me. I really wish we weren’t on opposite coasts because I can see it now. Brunch on Sundays. Wine and Weed Wednesdays. Netflix and chill nights. The good life.

    Seriously, if you are ever in Atlanta, please let me know so I can take you to all the vegan spots and just explore the city. There are so many great photo spots!

    I love you and know that we will make friends and if we don’t at least we have each other!

    Like

  3. Ohhh, I hear you with this. It’s so hard. Keep in mind you are comparing yourself to others social media which isn’t exactly showing the truth. Most of my deep friendships were made in middle or high school. 20 years later those are still my “first to call, I can count on them” friends. I have mommy group friends I met on meetup.com, we go out to dinner together sometimes and friends I made through work. As an introvert, I don’t really call or text anyone first. Some of that is social anxiety as well. I’d try meetup.com to make some friends that match your interests. Also, I hope I’ll be one of your friends!

    Liked by 1 person

    • YESSSSS honestly your husband was the only person to text me in YEARS. That’s how lonely it’s been. We’re coming to hang on the 4th and I’ve been looking forward to it. Social anxiety makes stuff hard that first step is a so so hard.

      Like

  4. Making true, meaningful friendships after 25 was crazy hard for me!! I lost my best friend over a guy, I was lost career wise and it just seemed that so much of what I received from people was superficial. I met a nice group of people while in Texas but once I left, it didn’t stick. After that I found myself in a series of jobs and situations where I was older than everyone and it seemed extremely hard to connect. I started nursing school at 28 and even though it was a graduate level program, most of my classmates were still in their early 20’s. Much of what they were upset about, not upset about, or focused on what just not on my radar (there was also the issue of my parents not taking care of me….I was doing everything on my own and they couldn’t grasp the concept). Once I started my first nursing job I realized that because I was older my approach to work was different, my idea of a good time was completely different and it was a hard adjustment. I was invited to hang out at the bar but I was also too old to be out all night at the bar (we all k ow you don’t recuperate like you used to after 30).

    I say all of that to say this…I wish I had some advice for you but honestly I’m still trying to figure it out myself. I try to build relationships were I feel the person is willing to do the same but if not, I leave it where it’s at and try not to let it upset me. I have maybe one person in Cleveland that I could call/text and be like, I’m coming over or let’s go eat! I appreciate that one person because it means a lot and it’s hard to find. Circumstances brought us together but we actively try to keep it going. She encourages me and checks in on me, which as we all know is special. You def are not the only adult that feels this way or experiences this. It’s a weird time in our lives but if anything gives me hope, it’s seeing my mom and her friends living their best lives together. After the kids, post divorce, not living in the same city/state anymore. There is a light at the end of the tunnel honey!!

    P.S. if you ever come to Cleveland, let me know!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • *books flight to Cleveland 👀 omg girl we have the same life! I’m just a nurse out here! I’m about to slide in your DM’s we finna he text buddies!

      Like

  5. I was the first to get married and have kids… I felt alone sometimes stuck at home…. I chose to work part time to keep my sanity. I end up making friends with the sales reps that I meet weekly and after over a decade, it was they who picked me up when things went south ….

    Like

  6. Girl! I feel you! I got pregnant at 21 and I’ve always worked full time or more! I feel so distant from my friends, many of which don’t have kids yet. I’ll be 26 this year and I already notice a distance. I guess it is what it is. I also understand where you’re coming when you talk about your anxiety meeting new people. The best way I found to get over that was just to remember who I am. I give
    my ego a pep talk before hand and it WORKS!

    I’m sure you are doing to make true, genuine connections! Best of luck!

    Like

  7. Sex and the City messed all of us up!! I agree with what u are saying. I moved to a new city at 23 and it was soooo hard making friends as an adult. At 29 I find myself leaning on my best friend and sister for a deep connection. Everyone else I am friends with are people that I do open up to and are genuinely friends with but at times I feel like they are not the same towards me. It’s hard not to get emotional over it but I feel as an adult it’s not easy to make that connection. U seem like an awesome person that is really fun to be with. Good luck!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Awww thank you so much this comment means a lot to me. I’ve been stepping out of my comfort zone and talking to people it’s been great

      Like

  8. Sorry to hear about your friendship struggles. I can really relate to what you say, I’m 35 and don’t have many close “real life” friends. I left school early due to depression and didn’t feel much like socialising. I kept in touch a bit with my school friends through letter and online, and I did meet up with my oldest friend again a few years ago, but we lost touch after that.

    I go to belly dance classes and have a friendship group through that which is good but they’re all about 15-20 years or more older than me, so at different life stages. i have anxiety as well, and although the dancing has helped me become confident, I still struggle with meeting new people and one on one conversations. I have penpals and find it easier to interacr through letters/emails. Last year I started going to a local mental health centre and that gave me the confidence to join Meetup.com. I’ve been to several meetups now, one group I belong to is an anxiety friendship one and we just met up for morning coffee last weekend. I do recommend Meetup, although for people in smaller towns there may not be as much going on. I also belong to Action for Happiness and go to their monthly local “Happy Cafe” meetups. I’m in the UK but I think they have international chapters.

    Good luck with your friend date and future friendships! 🙂

    Zania

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for reaching out! I have a couple friend dates this weekend and I’m super excited ❤️❤️❤️ I love the idea of joining meet ups for people with anxiety.

      Like

  9. Almost everything that you mentioned is me. Although I am still in my late 20’s I still feel that way. I only just now met a girl at work that I connect with so well. I’ve been scared that I won’t have any friends later on in life and be lonely. Yes I have a man, and he is amazing, but there’s just something about having a friend to talk to about stuff that your man just doesn’t get you know? And I actually don’t have kids yet, but I feel like I’m on the opposite side. Everyone I knew/know is already on the way to planning their weddings, finding awesome careers, or having babies, and I’m left behind wondering if I am even on the right track and why I’m wasting so much of my life/time. But it is damn hard making friends as an adult. That is the one thing I miss about school. It was a lot easier to make friends then. They just kinda throw a bunch of people together in a class and you get to know each other there. Cause nobody is going up to strangers nowadays. I don’t trust that either haha Anyway, I kind of went off on a tangent here, but thank you so much for this post. At least I know I’m not alone in these feelings.
    P.S. You look absolutely beautiful in the picture you posted on here. Just thought I’d let you know :]

    Like

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