I’m home healing from a mental breakdown

I don’t even know where to start.. I thought I was doing great. I’ve been in therapy for about year for generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and PTSD. I was battling these diagnoses alone.. just me, therapy.. NO traditional psych meds.. just battling it out!

Well I wasn’t alone but that’s what it felt like.

Every single day at work, I’d have panic attacks.

Full blown panic attacks, heart racing, sweating, stomach cramps, bowel emptying.

My body was under constant stress. At home I was having night terrors and night sweats it’s a lot.

I was tired of my family seeing me so sick.

I was born with hypertension. My blood pressure is naturally high however the amount of stress I was under at work was making my blood pressure sky rocket and triggering all my mental illnesses at one time.

I didn’t want to let my family down financially.

I didn’t want to let my patient down.

I had so much pressure on my shoulders I just felt like I couldn’t breathe.

I’d leave for work shaking and afraid to make a mistake and miss a paycheck.

I became obsessed with being the perfect employee so I would keep my job.

When you have any mental illness you can’t control when your brain just decides to snap like Thanos.. I guess I felt this coming for a while.

My body could no longer mask the suffering. My anxiety was beginning to have crippling physical effects.

I was obsessed with having perfect nursing notes.

To the point I was unable to write my notes because my hands were so sweaty and shaky.

I began to look at my nursing notes and immediately get sick. No matter what I did. I would have panic attack over and over.

This had been happening to me for over a year but I just ignored it.

I found ways to cope. I took up yoga, meditation, self care you name it I tried it.

I continued therapy and I tried to hide what was happening to me.

My family knew how much I was suffering.

They saw me shaking, sweating, nervous and constantly checking my notes and worrying about work.

I’m so paralyzed by anxiety it’s hard to leave the house for long periods of time at the moment.

I don’t know how it got like this but I worried about work to the point I was unable to sleep.

The lack of sleep and long commute made me paranoid I’d get into a crash before work.

It’s been a miserable nightmare inside of my mind and I’ve haven’t told a soul because I need my job.

I have bills and family that need me.

I was waking up at 0400 and coming home at 830pm I wasn’t sleeping my body and brain couldn’t take it.

I started having panic attacks Friday and I haven’t stopped.

I had to leave work in order to take care my mental health diagnoses.

I’ve been put on a couple low dose meds and I’m a little defeated because I didn’t want to be on meds.

I’d been off of traditional psych meds for about 5 years and I wanted to be off of them for life but I realize when you have a mental illness there’s times you have to take care of that and be medicated and that’s not the end of the world.. even though it does feel like it.

It’s Christmas, I’m not working and that’s a huge fear for me… I feel like a failure if I’m being completely honest.

Not being able to provide for my family really cripples me with anxiety and I have to let it go for the moment and get myself back to mentally healthy state.

I’ve got a long road to recovery.

I have got psychiatrists and meds and I have to see what the side effects are 🙄 it’s a whole process… but it’s a process I’m ready for because I’m so tired of being this way.

I’m more panic than person and it’s absolutely physically and mentally exhausting.

My body hurts and I’m always tried.

I went from being able to do it all to becoming completely overwhelmed by task and only able to do one thing a day before I’m completely drained.

I woke up and tried to go to work and my body and the panic attacks were so severe I couldn’t leave the house. I had lost weight from vomiting and all other fluid removal. I was just shaking and crying I was in no condition to be a nurse. I had to face the fact that I need a nurse right now.

My husband is taking care of me and I’m so grateful to have a husband that doesn’t make me feel ashamed of my mental illnesses. He’s been so caring gentle and there for every single appointment and encouraging me on this journey.

I’m not ok right now. I had to step away from work and just take care of myself and my mental health.

I have a lot of diagnoses that need treatment and care. I don’t know how long that’s going to take or what that even looks like.

That’s hard to say, but it’s the truth.

It’s been a rough few days but I’m blessed to be home from work to have the time off to take care of my mental health needs.

there’s a lot to learn I have a whole new diagnosis.. I guess I’ve had PTSD this whole time and really didn’t know it… and a lot to take care of.

I’m nervous, I’m scared and frustrated it seems like people don’t want to believe you when you speak up for help or the wait for help seems like it’s daunting. It’s going to take 2 weeks for me to even see a psychiatrist.

TWO WEEKS! Thank God I have an excellent support system of family, friends and the church but it makes me worry about people who don’t have that.. two weeks could be life or death to someone struggling mentally.

I know.. I’m struggling mentally. Today was hard.. but I made it through, I wanted to share with everyone what’s been going on and why I’ve been silent.. I’m here, I’m just healing.

11 comments

  1. Hon. Thank u for posting this. Because I’m in the middle of writing something myself, well it’s written, complete, just not ready to share. And it’s very similar to what’s happening to yourself. It’s why I’m away from Twitter for a bit, too many triggers I’m seeing. And too many triggered DMs. But writing what I did, and reading, re-reading, has helped me realize things. YOU ARE STRONG. REMEMBER THAT ALWAYS. Keep smiling.

    Layla-Jade 💋

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so glad that you write about your struggles with mental illness because I relate so much with you. I was trying to do all that could to without medication but then I started to truly scare myself, crying at work for no reason, and avoiding those love and want to spend time with. I needed more care and to take a step back and focus on myself. I hope you start feeling better because mental illness honestly makes everything hurt and makes you feel ineffective as a person.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Really sorry to hear that you’re going through a hard time, Shayla. I can really relate, having anxiety and OCD myself. Also depression and a couple of months ago I went through a bad patch, felt like I’d fallen down a pit. It did help to up my medicine and get into a more regular routine of taking it (under a doctor’s advice).

    Thank you for sharing. I think the more people who speak up about mental illness and mental health, the more others are encouaraged to share their stories and get help. Love to you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much I’m glad to hear you’re doing well and that’s my hope to encourage others to not feel so ashamed thank you for reading ❤️❤️ love you too

      Like

  4. Keeping you in my prayers. I used to work in a psych hospital and saw the process of them just literally slapping any old title on any patient that came through with the slightest of symptoms so please do not let your diagnosis define you because half of the time the doctors don’t even know what the hell they are doing and also be mindful of the medicines because some of the meds do more harm than help (I’m on nursing school and I know most of the side effects to all of them and whew chile). Be strong and continue to pray. Also research about spiritual warfare and see if that’s what you may be experiencing.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Literally staring at your picture, and you are absolutely gorgeous. Beautiful in every way and you’re not only worthy to be love but also admired and adored. I know with mental illness sometimes overthinking can be a thing and we feel less of a person, but take time with your self, recovery is not a linear journey at all.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much. It’s hard to be open about what’s going on but everyday with you beautiful souls like yourself encouraging me I feel better thank you for reading and for you kind words I really appreciate that.

      Liked by 1 person

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