I grew up in the suburbs of Temecula California and up recently I didn’t realize I was suffering from “Silent Black Girl Syndrome” I’ve been living in a predominately white town thinking my blackness wasn’t an issue because they raised their boys and girls “not to see color” honestly they raised their kids not see me and I’m just now realizing the psychological damage that causes.

You don’t speak up because you want to “fit in” with Chadley and little Jane.

This week has been hard for me because on my own Facebook I’ve opened up about things in my past.

I even revealed how living in Temecula and being a black girl I wanted to take my own life because I felt unloved..

Do you know that people jumped on my post about

🗣SUICIDE to tell me how great the town was..

I quickly reminded them that the town was great for them..

That entire exchange kinda made me think people in this town need to wake up this town still has an issue with race.. the MAYOR just stepped down due to racial insensitive remarks…

This is my “Hometown” but I’ve never felt quite at home.

I’ve always tired to befriend people or find love but due to the conservative thinking of this town I was always a dirty little secret.

When you raise your kids to not “see color” little boys don’t know they can bring the black girl through the front door.

Yes y’all I was unsuckin a lot of white peen this week!

I’m grown I can have this conversation

Look here… I’ve been to therapy and I can to you exactly how I feel.

Those boys in Temecula wanted to know what it was like to sleep with a black girl.

They wanted and little piece of chocolate and I was really out there looking for love.. write sonnets and shit.. looking mad stupid for Chad and them.

You know what they did.. they laughed at me.

They lifted me up in their pick up trucks know I would never be as good as Amber.

Knowing damn well, I worked at Chuck E. Cheese, I was a cheerleader, I was in the army.. I was the lead in the school play, I spoke French.. but I was black so I was only good enough to lick their balls and be kicked out the truck before anyone saw.

I just hoped maybe one time… I sucked it good enough that saw something in my big brown eyes that would keep me.. but they never did.

I thought I was so ugly.

I started to examine the girls in the hallway that DID manage to get a boyfriend..

I looked at what they wore, they way they laughed, what smelled like..

I got jobs, to buy the things.. to get the boys..and I would still fail.. because I was a black girl in a white town!

I hated myself.. I hated everything about myself,

I hated my skin tone.

The black men called me “Burnt Bitch”

I figured if I was a cheerleader.. maybe I would get a

“Boyfriend”

I was too “Black”

They called me the “Dark Skin” cheerleader

Like I didn’t have a fuckin name…

I wanted to DIE..

Literally..,

And this week the boy… I still call his ass a boy crawled his way into my inbox on some “ALL LIVES MATTERS”

Crap and I couldn’t “take it” I said “you all bullied me until I left”

People really think I joined the Army because I was patriotic.. no… they called me “Nigger” they called me “Fat” I was tired of being those white boys dirty little secret.

I tried so hard at that school to fit in..

Just like every Black woman to fit in to white society.

I shrank myself, I got on my knees, I did everything I could and I was never enough.

This week I was confused, I was angry.. I was called a racist.. I’m not a racist… my uterus is the U.N have you seen my kids?

What’s messed up is for years I tried and I tried and I tried to be what everyone wanted,

I wasn’t good enough.

I never fit the mold!

I died my hair blonde, when I was young, I used to be ashamed of my natural hair. I was uneducated and didn’t know anything about hair products.. you have to understand.. we didn’t have YouTube..

I mean we did.. but we were looking at monkey’s fart at the time…

But I digress..

I realized this week “silent black girl syndrome” is real.. it’s dangerous you don’t have to be a silent black girl to be cool.. you don’t have to be silent about your culture, who you are, what you love, you don’t have to be accepted by anyone by yourself dammit and that’s the tea.

Black women have been silenced and placed in corner for too long and I’m tired,. I feel like we fight the hardest, we protest the loudest and no one hears us but I do.

I’ve just had these thoughts about black women and about my own life and I just.. I’m not hiding my colors anymore and I’m not being quite and more..

I think black women are afraid to make noise because we don’t want to be seen as angry and my whole life I’ve afraid to be seen and I’ve just wanted to be loved and I’ve been shamed for that and made fun of for that and it been really hard to just be an black woman and no one knows that because they just have asked.

People have all these preconceived notions about black women and we all different but they think we’re all the same and I hate that..

I think I became “funny” and I forgot to make friends and I’m playing catch and that haunts me.. like no one “knows” me and that awful.. people don’t know a damn thing about me and it’s exhausting to try to form close relationship with thousands of people but that’s what I had to do because folks didn’t raise their kids to see color..

so please don’t argue with me

🗣ARGUE WITH YOUR MAMA!

That kind of thinking is archaic and backwards and these countless Americans wondering “am I the black friend” am I the friend you have so you can say “I’m not racist ” I have black friends”

That has been my entire week.. evaluating friendships because honestly I haven’t seen a lot of those white faces since high school…..

So I think… I was just good enough to toot up in they mama’s pick up trucks and good enough to wrap my pretty little chocolate lips around their penises but I was never going to good enough for thanksgiving dinner because they sure voted “Trump for 2020”

Look sometimes you have to shake a table or two.. I’m sick of people inboxing me like I’m not a human being..

All I have done is stand up AGAINST RACISM

Look I was raised like THIS.. “if you don’t stand for SOMETHING.. you will fall for ANYTHING”

So I’m just going to continue to be here.. being myself black and beautiful.. I don’t know why it took me so long to realize you don’t have to find love and acceptance through anyone other than you.. screw everyone else.. you town will suck you dry and tell you not to talk about it.. but TALK.. and tell your truth.. it help.. I realized my so called “friends” couldn’t even spell my name right 🤣🤣🤷🏾‍♀️ but that’s a blog post for another time.. y’all have a beautiful day and please stop tellin kids you don’t see color… how do they see rainbows always Lyin to the babies 🤣🤣🌈

It’s just been really hard this week and I’m sick of the stereotypes part of me went silent because I felt like the world formed my voice for me anyway.. you said I was “loud” “ghetto”

I remember joining mom groups and people hearing my voice and saying “that’s what you sound like” and me thinking to myself

“What do you think a black woman sounds like”

Stuff like that gets so exhausting to fight you just forget to speak..

This week just made wonder how many silent black women are there?

Is this a thing? Am I alone…