Soooo therapy is deep and I just realized I’m 35 and don’t believe in myself

Yeah… I don’t even know how title this.. we are going to talk about 🗣THERAPY and not like cute therapy just to say you go to sound trendy…

No.. I mean ugly cry, make you call your mama, then you best friend to see if you used to act funny in middle school because that might be a sign of something and you need to document it for therapy…

THERAPY..

Soo I figured I was doing therapy all wrong.. about 3 breakdowns ago…. look I’m Bipolar breakdowns happen 🤷🏾‍♀️ you take your meds, you do some yoga, you get your life back on track.. it’s a part of your life I mean.. it just a part of your life..

Anyways I decided to actually do therapy the right away and listen to what this therapist was saying and breakdown the problems that were bothering me my entire life.. I mean I’m not an entirely unhappy person I’m just not a naturally positive person and I tell people that all the time.. so I wanted to find out why.. so I needed to do the work..

I told my therapist I was not naturally happy and pretty much a crazy test dummy growing up.. always to die not really trying to live.

My therapist told my make a “trauma list” of everything thing that has ever happened to me…

I was like “you have my file Right?”

I’m a orphan, rape survivor..that survived being pistols whipped and that’s just what I remember you want me to right down every trauma EVER..

he’s like.. you have 2 months

I was like can I drink??

Because I wanna drink just thinking about it..

He was like…

“I mean if you want too.. but you survived that stuff.. you’re just confronting the trauma not wallowing in it.

And you need to see these events, shaped you, how you moved on, and that you had nothing to do with these people causing you harm they were you are not are worthy and are loved. You have a great family”

I did kind of fall apart when I asked why do these things keep happening to me

But I went home with my list and spoke with my husband and my nana and I did end up opening up with my my nana and friends and family about abuse I experienced growing up and it was freeing.

I was hiding the abuse because well.. I loved my abuser and still do, she passed away and I’m still in therapy and working on that allll the time.. it’s an on going thing.

It’s complicated.

I also discovered that at the ripe old age of 35..

I don’t believe in myself…

and let me rephrase that it’s not like I don’t believe in myself I guess I lacked confidence in myself in my early stages of life.

When I branching out as an adult, I had low self esteem and that self the tone for everything.

I touched on it a lot in my previous post.

I had this need for acceptance my entire life stemming from low self esteem due to “Silent Black Girl Syndrome”

Yes.. it’s a real thing!

I had beautiful black queens all over speaking up about their own “Silent black girl experiences”

Not being seen or feeling seen leads devaluing yourself and all your talents.

I think I devalued everything I did.

From writing to acting which is all I ever really wanted to do but I never saw anyone like myself on the screen back in the day so I didn’t really have the confidence in my acting abilities but I loved acting and writing.

In fact I wrote many monologues back in the day… I used to compete against other drama teams for fun and WIN.. I LETTERED IN DRAMA..

My family, friends, teachers, random people on the street thought for sure I was going to be an actress but…

I was a realist and in when I talked to my friend in drama I told them the truth…

“People don’t look like me in Hollywood”

Also I wanted to make money.. I was the first person on my mom’s side to even graduate high school..

I was not about to mess that up with my acting dreams.

I mean they weren’t little.. I wanted the stage like a crackhead wants crack but like I said..

I was not about to be the one to ruin my families dream of my being the first one to graduate.. besides.

How did I know I wasn’t just “local” good.

The same with my writing!

Yeah I was published at 11.. but that could have been a fluke!

I write poems for my Nana’s church’s and I dreamed of being Perez Hilton dipped in chocolate..

But I never felt like I had the confidence to call myself a “writer” because I didn’t have an confidence in myself.. because I didn’t believe in myself as writer!

I don’t think I truly believed in myself as an actress or anything until I saw the back of my head on “Insecure”

Yeah it was only the back of my head but.. I was in the same room with 🗣ISSA RAE AND JAY ELLIS… for 12 hours!

When I say I soaked up that black excellence every time they walked by, I soaked up that excellence!

I may never be in a room with them again but I soaked in everything!

The lighting, the sounds, the ambiance.

It was like clockwork.

I didn’t feel out of place of nervous, not even around the statuesque Jay Ellis,

It was cold but we played warm and I pretended to sell art that I didn’t even paint. It was everything I dreamed it would be.

For me I made it.. in the middle of the night rehearsing the same 4 minutes of a scene for 12.

I was home.

I drove 90 miles for a laughable check but the high was amazing. I talked a mile a minute to husband.

I hung up and cried because I knew I could have done it along.

I did that scene so long ago I can’t remember but that when I started to believe I could be an actress and last week I believed I could be a writer..

I know that seems strange because I’ve been writing for magazines and everything else but I never believed in myself and I never believed any of it was good.

I’ve always done things to make other people proud of me or to make money.. and it’s never really made me happy.

It’s always made me money…. but it’s never made me happy only very tired..

I’m very grateful for my time as a nurse but I went through a lot that I don’t care to get into because I ended so stressed I can’t function..

I’ve discovered through therapy I’m in the process of removing the old layers making room for new layers of me and it’s very exciting!

I keep telling my friend I feel like a 35 year old infant and I’m excited to see where this new path goes.

I think it’s important to live your life for yourself because if you live for some one else.. you’ll die.

You can’t be happy because ultimately you’re trying to split yourself in two and your dreams will force themselves out one way or another.

If you made it this far I appreciate you..

I know it sounds corny but your dreams matter!

Also.. mental health is important.. it’s so beneficial to actually 🗣DO WHAT YOU THERAPIST TELLS YOU!

It’s like working it.. if you want the best results you have to put in the work.. all the time.. and no it’s easy and yes, you will totally find yourself crying in the shower for no reason but that happens when you’re healing wounds…

Once you heal.. you start to feel better!

You can do other things!

I do a lot of yoga and journaling.. I like to write out my thoughts and really see what is bothering and where these “trauma list” are taking me.

I really don’t recommend doing “trauma list” alone just in case you bring up some stuff that you just don’t want to think about alone.

It’s always good to have support when uncovering trauma…

no one is super human.

Anyways that’s my time…

Be gentle with yourself you only have one you ❤️

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