The past few months of my life have literally been a living hell.
I don’t like to complain so I’ve been keeping it to myself .
My body has been in pain. Every night I wake up and rub my muscles because they just ache.
When I say I it’s like my skeleton is trying to escape my body.
It’s trying to rip itself from every layer of skin, pulling from every tendon and ligament and I’m just there smiling like a fool because I have to.
I take a hot shower, I do yoga. That typically wakes my husband and he has to run my lower back till his hands ache.
Yes, my tiny frame makes a grown man’s hands ache.
I require that much pressure and relives no pain.
My body just locks up.
No matter what I do I can’t move it.. I get so frustrated I just cry.. I muffle my tears so I don’t wake anyone. I get so mad because I hate to be weak.
I’m not built for weakness… my body wasn’t built to just give up but here it is. Failing me, at least that’s how I feel. I know I don’t have a choice. I will it to move with all my might… but nothing.. one more push with all my soul, nothing but tears and spit, so I lay there and look and the ceiling and pray no one wakes or needs a snack… this body has been my personal hell for the last two few months.. I wast built to lay and do nothing.
I feel like my soul is dying.
I do what I can when I can.
It’s difficult for me to do nothing.
I was also dealing with the issues of my gallbladder.
Losing weight, following the diet given to me by my physician I had that surgery coming up so I really didn’t want to worry my family anymore or bring anymore issues.
Honestly, I felt like a burden so I didn’t want to bring up the fact that my body was in pain every single day but it was.
Not only that but I was so tired.
Every action took so much energy.
I felt like all of the meat on my bones just required so much power it was just draining.
Even moving my eyes was exhausting.
Every morning at 3am I would look at the clock at just sob because I knew some how I had to to muster the energy to and strength to get energy for the day and I had about 6 hours to do it all and be pain free.
It felt like Mike Tyson beat my ass every day.
And I didn’t know why!
No matter what I did!
I’m vegan, I work out.. I couldn’t understand it!
I started to lose my memory and I began to tell my close friends and family I was about to start making appointments because I thought had early onset dementia.
I would cry because I couldn’t remember the simplest things and it hurt.
I felt into a deep depression because I was no longer the woman I was.
I was losing weight, losing my memory, constantly in pain and I didn’t want to worry my children because I’m an active and fun and I pretty much became bed ridden over the course of months.
It’s been not only physically devastating but mentally devastating.
My body pretty much started attacking me everyday just aching.
Over the weekend Christy turned 4th!we gave her backyard crawfish boil and I was on my feet all day long, decorating, cleaning.. you know mom stuff..
The next day I could not get out of bed!
Turns out.. I couldn’t walk.. body was completely locked out I was hunched over, my back was spasming. Every time my heels touched the floor it felt like fire shooting through both sides of my hips and butt and up through my neck. I just stopped trying to walk it was like my body revolted against me.
I never felt such paint in my life.
My joints were on fire, my skin was on fire.
It only took a trip to the emergency room.. some blood work.. an X-ray a few phone calls between my primary care, the v.a, my psychiatrist…
Apparently I’ve been complaining about my body hurting and being tried for MONTHS..
I’ve been putting myself off too long thank God I finally took care of it sheesh.. it only took a pandemic 😅😬 I gotta do better.
Well now is my chance…
I could be all bent out of shape about it but the way I see it.. I FINALLY have answers.. I’ve been laying here honestly thinking the worst.. but now at least I know what to study.
What groups to join, I know where to start and how to help myself. I’m not alone. I know there are others like me so I don’t feel completely helpless.
I know there’s a name for what I have on Al Gore’s Internets.. I’ll be fine ✊🏾🤣 jk jk no..
I’ve been so sick for so long.. I just want to laugh..
Just to get a diagnosis after suffering so long feels so good I have an answer!
And I still have gallbladder surgery.. but at least I know why my body has been doing what it’s doing.
Everyone has a new normal to adjust to.. I guess this is mine.
It was hard to understand, I still have a lot to learn but at least I have names.
I’m just great for that horrible chapter to be done and this new chapter to begin.. I’m not afraid.. it is what it is.
A pain in my literal ass…
Thanks for reading.. Talk to you soon✌🏾