I’m ok alone

I’ve never in my life been ok with my own company. I’m 35 years old and I’ve never, ever, EVER been okay with being alone.. up until recently.

I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s the fact I’ve been taking therapy seriously. I’ve really pouring into my mental health and taking the time to really get to know myself.

I feel like I’ve spent my entire life growing up going from little boy to little boy writing letter after letter trying to get them to see that I was “special.”

You see, words have always held a very deep meaning to me.

I wrote long letters to boys because I wanted them to feel “special”.. I thought words were special.

My words were my gift.. I was giving them my gift.

I was a pretty talented writer at very young age.

I didn’t know that at the time I was too young to understand that.

Anyways I went from boy to boy.. which lead to adulthood man to man.. wanting these men to read these words and some how find the writer “special”

The thing is.. up until recently.. I don’t think I found myself special.

I just started to crave my own company.

I started to find VALUE in myself.

I’m damn good company.

I’m not knocking my husband, my children, I love my family.. but I’m realizing, I enjoy my own company and being at peace as well and there’s nothing wrong with that.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your alone time.

I went to the Temecula Famer’s Market with my dear friend Kokoa over the weekend for a little girls day with our daughters and we talked, I told her about how I was really into pampering myself since the surgery.

Kokoa’s daughter Harlyn is a pro when it comes to treating yourself.

She actually taught me a valuable lesson

“Buy yourself flowers every week because they are nice and you deserve them”

She’s right.. it was so nice to see the girls picking flowers and that’s exactly what they deserve and how they should be treated.

Little Harlyn’s theory had me excited for the next trip to the farmers market for my bouquet.

I joked with Harlyn’s Mother about eating an expensive piece of fish alone.. no kids, no man.. just me and a fancy filet of fish an nice glass of champagne

Since my Diagnosis of arthritis and fibro I’m taking it slow and really more intentional with my time and thinking about the future… and honestly thinking a lot about the past and why I am the way I am.. and why I have to change.

Being a human is journey.

They great part about being on a journey is there is always a starting point, a new beginning.

I’ve had so many this year.. breakdowns.. I think this is the best breakthrough of my life.

I want to shout from the roof tops

🗣I love myself..

I want to be alone in a room with myself..

I want to talk myself on trip..

I am the other man in my life..

I’ve been seeing somebody… It’s me 😩

I’m in an entanglement.. with my damn self..

I’m cute, I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m a really good writer, I’m an actress.. I can cook, I’m a photographer.. and I have bomb weed… hell yeah im seeing me

I don’t know what took me so long 🤷🏾‍♀️ it’s never to late to start so on the self love journey now and I’m really digging it..

I’ve been doing a lot of reading while spending time with myself my last post I’m currently obsessed with all things Amanda Seales reviews the “Small Doses ” I loved it so much I purchased copy for my childhood bestie..

(We’re pretty much Oprah and Gayle now we started a book club)

We both have kids… so we may never actually finish the book BUT.. we read like a page a day and crack up and think of each other it’s amazing it’s what we do with our 🗣ALONE TIME

I used to really hate to be alone!

I used to need to tv..drugs massive amount of alcohol, sex anything to numb he pain and possibly make me pass out and fall asleep.. I just wanted to sleep at that time.

(I’m a recovering addict.. no shame in my game.. I recovered 🤷🏾‍♀️✊🏾🌈 )

come to find out I was an insomniac so I wasn’t going to sleep naturally anyway..

In my 20’s I would throw parties of attend parties so I wouldn’t be alone and then I had baby so I was never alone.. then came “love” after “love” after “love” but now after years of therapy and spending a lot of time with me I’m realizing I’m actually good company I didn’t need to “do” anything for anyone to “love” me I’m actually pretty lovable and I’m at peace.

Like Phil Jackson in the mountains with goat peace.

Life has a crazy way of bringing you clarity and peace. There was a time I was unable to read and meditate by myself..

now I rush home to be alone to take bath with no Godzilla toys in it!

Or in a lavender infused.. not a fart infused home.

I fantasize about solo trips when I’m 50- 55 through France oui! Oui!

I know that I’ve been codependent my whole life so it’s exciting to feel this way!

It’s like having a new toy that you to share with the world!

“Look everyone.. I can hang out all by myself!”

Granted, this is probably something you all could probably do earlier on in life.. I couldn’t.

I just never mastered that concept I guess.Wanting to be alone doesn’t me mean you dislike people you just want sometime to yourself to decompress.

Sometimes I don’t even exhale.. I have to remind myself to let go of oxygen I’m that stressed out.

I think often we as mothers, wives we wear so many hats we forget to take off all those hats and just be ourselves again and just love the head beneath the hat.

You matter🌈

It’s ok to be alone…you’re beautiful, you’re funny, you’re talented.. you have everything thing you need within you spend time with yourself and bring it out.

Don’t be ashamed to treat yourself to a date night inside… you deserve it!

light and love to you!

Thank you for reading 💚

2 comments

  1. Wow.
    Gurl! WOW!!
    If I’m feeling like a lost soul, and recently, I have been, I turn to your work. And what you’ve just written, just made me smile; parts of it is how I’m feeling, and what I’ve been going thru.

    Inspirational.

    Layla-Jade

    ♥️💋

    Liked by 1 person

    • ThAnk you! I’ve always been a bit of a lost soul and I recently just started to feel found by just writing and seeing things I’ve always wanted to see it’s hard to explain just being the me I’ve always wanted to be

      Like

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