My phone rang at 1 o’clock it was my therapist..you know the one I always talk about that looks like a mix between Pete Davidson and Justin Long.
He’s very comforting to look at.. anyway.
My day was not going as planned and I had no time for “Petey Justin” in fact I had forgotten about “Petey Justin” because well the way my therapy sessions are scheduled with the V.A I only get to speak with my therapist every 6-8 week.
So much life happens between 6-8 weeks.. let’s just be honest.
My therapist calls and the first thing he says is
“Did you get you get my email about today’s email”
“Did you or you any or your colleagues get the numerous voicemails I left for my psychiatrist regard my medication and paperwork, No I didn’t get you email and do you remember our last conversation when I told you my home wasn’t conducive for video conversations because I live in home where my toddler, teen, and husband can all hear my very private conversations about my mental health and I can’t speak freely the way I want to and open up.. do you remember that or is it all about the email I didn’t read?”
He then said..
“It’s fine if we talk on the phone”
I told him
“Look, I’ll be honest I forgot about this appointment a lot of things have happened in the last two months and I understand why they call it BATTLING depression”
He stopped me and said
“Well you sound happy”
I said “I am happy, in this moment, I feel joy.
I find happiness in small parts of my day, I journal, and I do yoga otherwise I’d allow myself to be swallowed up by my darkness.
He told me to make sure I’m being honest with myself when I’m journaling.
To write down my honest feelings in the moment and honor them.
They maybe scary but they aren’t permanent.
I say that because I expressed feeling an intense feeling of just being “Completely Jaded” about certain situations in life
He told me it’s completely normal to feel that way momentarily.
I was diagnosed with two chronic illnesses, I’ve been fighting my mental illnesses daily. I’m having trouble in my relationship but we are improving, I finally reported my sexual assault in the military after 18 years.. I’m processing the fact that I’m 35 and need a cane and some people don’t believe that. I’ve worked my body to the point my bones are dust in the midst of all of that I discovered.. I love myself. It’s been a very tumultuous time. I’m hanging there.
He replied what does that mean.
I told him well I’m a realist.
I’m aware that I’m a person with several mental illnesses and everyday isn’t roses and this is a time in my life that’s a “valley” so to speak but I’m not going to rest in. I’ve made provisions for myself.
I purchased a cane, I spoke to my doctor about a placard for my car, I have speaking with other young moms with my condition so I don’t feel alone.
I realize I have choices.
I did admit that yes I am currently battling depression tooth and nail.
And he told he that he was very proud of me for having a plan and a positive outlook for my future.
It’s really hard to fill someone in on 8 weeks of your life in 45 minutes but lately I’ve been on a journey of self love, self discovery and setting boundaries.
I’m 35 and these are things I’ve just never done.
I know that may seem strange to some people but not everyone is fortunate enough to be born intrinsically loving themselves.
Some people have a hellish journey, an interesting, at time beautiful journey but not everyone’s journey to self love is easy.
Mine wasn’t and I realized today with concealer caked beneath my eyes, tears welling up that I never really liked looking in the mirror until recently because I never loved the woman looking back.
My therapist and I discussed how I searched for love in men, but I really didn’t need to. I had all the love I needed within myself.
I’ve been home healing from a mental breakdown since November.
I was so stressed, overwhelmed, and abused at my work place that I wanted to die.
I was having panic attacks everyday.
I would look at my nursing notes and just shake.
I would get could chills, vomit, get diarrhea, my heart would race I would sweat and shake.. I would try to hide the shaking.. sometimes I couldn’t.
One time I spilled peto bismal on the rug I was called incompetent and made to replace the rug out of my own pocket and just belittled verbally to the point I was in tears in the bathroom. I wasn’t incompetent I had a nervous condition and I was there to provide care as a nurse.
Sometimes I beat myself up “why didn’t I just quit?”
I didn’t because I didn’t know who they would send and I actually cared about my patient and my job.
I loved what I did.
I talk about the fact I’m the victim of severe child abuse Overcoming childhood trauma
When I’m in situations where I’m being abused something I’m not aware of it until it’s very severe.
(Case in point) so I just wasn’t aware until it was this severe.
The day I was called “incompetent” hurt me like nothing I could ever imagine because I’m not “incompetent” I’m sick.. but even in my condition I was still there to care for someone else.
I called my husband on my last shift and I told him
“I understand why people kill them selves.. I know I’m worth more than this paycheck”
That Monday my alarm went off to get up to go to work and I was paralyzed with fear and panic.
I couldn’t go to work and I could no longer hide the fact I was having debilitating panic attacks at work.
That was the first time I stood up for myself.
That was my very first act of self love.
I loved that job more than my health, my family, everything and I didn’t even see that.
Once I finally spoke up and said “I have severe anxiety and I need time away” (I didn’t really talk about the abuse I was experienced) I just took the first step.
People don’t understand how hard it is to come forward when things are being done to you.
You don’t want to lose your job.
You don’t want to appear “weak”
For me I just didn’t know who was going to care for my patient.. I had been with the same patient for 3 years.
Everyday. It was a lot.
But I needed to go.. my patient needed a nurse, but my kids needed a mom and I needed to be healthy.
I had so many health problems were being triggering by such a stressful and toxic work environment.
I don’t think people truly understand what nurses go through we suffer in silence.
Yes, it’s a job we sign up for but not the abuse.
I just had to get real.. we talk a good game about mental health but how are we really helping.
These 8 appointments are joke.
I mean they do help.. but veterans need more than appointments every 6-8 weeks life is happens more than every 6-8 weeks but I guess I can’t complain about free healthcare.
We’re going through it right now…
He told me he’s very proud of me for find love within myself.
I told him I was proud too.. (it only took me 35 years)
He told me to keep up the self love and keep up the journaling and not to be so hard on myself about the feeling jaded thing…
I’ll be real.. I am worried about that.
I’m used to being Suzy sunshine but lately..
I just feel like found out Santa isn’t real 🤣 No, I think I just realized life is honestly what YOU make it and it’s changes daily.
But you HAVE to find at least one reason to laugh or it’s just not worth it.
I did feel much lighter after the call.. I had so much on my heart and I just needed to vent, and ugly cry and get some real professional guidance.. apparently I’m doing all the right things… it just takes time for things to come together..
Adulting is some bullshit.. sometimes..
Anyways.. I’ll talk to y’all next week✌🏾
Better late than never! Look forward to reading your blogs. 🙂
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Thank you so much! That makes me so happy!
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