Shit, can I just get real for bit

2020 is kicking my ass.. I’m going through all of the things some stuff I’m not ready to talk about publicly but my family and close friends know.

The quarantine forced to really reevaluate my life because I’ve been depressed since November.

I’ve worked really hard with therapy, and I’ve been super open about my journey and my past and I’ve ran from a lot of my past to the point of exhaustion.

I realized this year I am a really damaged person and I’ve been trying to make a family since I got into this world because I have “mommy and daddy issues”

I need to work on my own shit before I get into any relationship.

I’ve been in so much pain for so long, I’ve been like crying for healing and people just keep putting their penis in me and that’s not helping..

It’s feels fantastic..

But it’s not helping any of the issues that have going on inside and I really need to heal my soul.

I’ve been in so much pain for so long it’s ridiculous.

I’m like “Old yeller” someone really needs to take me out back and shoot me.

I’m just like everyone else, I wanted to find one person to grow old with and settle down forever but things just don’t work out.

No matter how hard I try.. correction.. we try.

Sometimes things aren’t meant to be.

I’m not numb to these things despite going through them a number of times.

Despite the number, you don’t get used to it. You’re not mechanical. The heart is made of flesh not stone.

You bleed.

You cry, you suffer, you ache,

you die a little each time you try to play the cruel game of love and you don’t “win”

I’m not sure there’s ever really a loss if you try.

Actually, I’m wrong.. there is a loss..

I think the only loss is the time.

The pain you feel is the time lost.

What I hate more than anything is wasting time… that’s something you can’t get back.

To me it’s like a hot poker in the chest thinking about the time lost… I really hate the time lost.

I don’t know, I always get labeled as “crazy” or “heartless” so many things I’m not.

I’m not a monster, I’m just a woman.

A woman that was once a girl in love with “love”

The mere idea of “love” being swept of her feet and cared for, fond over and truly loved.. just provided for.. just regular ass love stuff.

Part of me always will be but I have to find out how did I get so broken that I accept what I accept for “Love” I have to know that I’m worthy of more and deserve more because I have DAUGHTERS!!

And they’re going to do what I do and I honestly don’t want them to end up like me and I’m terrified of that so I just want to fix me.

I don’t want to be like this forever.

It hurts.

It’s really fucking painful.

I intrinsically I’ll fall in love with carrot if loves me back and I honestly know that’s because I’ve got “mommy and daddy issues” I need to fix before I have a relationship and that’s so hard to face especially when you just got married last year.

I’m in a lot of pain mentally, physically and emotionally and I didn’t think I’d be in the place that I am or to make the decision I made but I had to save myself and my sanity and kids.

I’m tired and I want peace.

I miss who I was and I want to find myself and my

happiness again.

I deserve happiness.

Bottom line.

I plan to focus on writing, focus on healing, focus the girls most importantly for on myself.

I don’t think I’ve ever done that honestly.

I’ve said the words but never done the action and I desperately want to focus on me.

I don’t know who I am outside of loving men.

That’s so sad to me.

I know I’m more than that , I always have been and it’s like I’ve been jumping up and down for people to see that and all they see is my boobs.. it’s exhausting.

I know how to please a man.. but I don’t know how to be alone.. I have to break my codependency cycle.

I’m just tired of being this way.

This will be a huge challenge for me.. but I’m ready.

I fantasize about trips to Napa alone. I want to take a solo trip, I have so many dreams!

I want to stay a big fancy hotel alone!

Eat fluffy waffles 😍

I’ve never traveled alone.

I swear, I was like a fem-bot designed to a “wife”

I honestly think that’s because I was raised by my grandparents so that generation was raised to think that being a “wife” was like a HUGE honor… so I mean I have “wifed” it up,and I just want to be SHAYLA, I just want to write poetry, be a mom, be free, be happy discover what’s happening inside my soul because I’m hurting and I need healing badly.

My heart is broken, my soul is broken and I’m depressed and I’m tried and just ready to heal.

2020 has really given me so time to re-evaluate myself and it was hard.

I’ve been married 4 times, 4 times I’ve tried to make homes, lives and families with 4 men that I loved intensely and dearly.. they all have stories.. some very painful, some very short. I’ve been a wife since I was 19 years old.. I’ve been cheat on, I been lied to, I been fought with, and all I’ve wanted from all these men was love and a family… I did my time and I was a very good wife to these men til I had enough and walked away..

I have so much to heal from and I’m finally ready

My life is going to look really different and I’m scared.

Really scared but I need peace and happiness that’s the vibe from now on.

Peace is so necessary.

it was really hard for me to see that I had been making the same mistakes over and over in love because I wanted to be loved so bad.. sometimes you just have to let go and love yourself and things are meant to be they will work out another time.

Kids need parents that mentally healthy, emotionally healthy, financially healthy and so much more..

Not just two parents that are in “love” I will ALWAYS love Chris.. he gave me Christy, I tried for ten years to have a baby so I was so thrilled to have her..and it’s not like we’re dramatic with each other it’s actually the complete opposite we still live together at the moment, we still have a child to raise for the rest of lives..

I just realized my soul needs to heal I am a very broken person and I’m just tired of this cycle.

2021 is going to look different… hell tomorrow is going to look different.

My life is different now.

I only have to think about myself and my girls.

It’s a huge adjustment to not have to think about the needs of a man.

It’s a different journey for me.. for us, for the girls and I.

I’ve been running from the pain in my past for so long I just can’t run anymore, I’m tired there’s A LOT I need to deal with and heal from that I never even talk about or deal with I just tend act like things didn’t happen I can’t do that I need to be real and heal and move forward.

In the past I would jump into relationships before I was healed from a relationship and you never really heal you just kinda have one giant broken heart..

I just want to get off this ride..

You ever hurt so bad that you’re numb! Well I’m to the point where I’m numb and I desperately want to feel things from men besides “love” and disappointment.

I’m not even sure if what I’m feeling is “love” and I’m getting is “love” in return I’m very confused by what I’ve been doing and feeling all these years because everything I do.. I end up by myself.

It’s not some pity party type of post it’s true.

Sometimes I was just too young for the “Love” I had.. too strong, too passionate, too soon, too much

sometimes your love isn’t the love a man wants 🤷🏾‍♀️

You can’t control that

I’m a simple woman just wanted boy meets girl, falls in love gets married the end.. but it’s always complicated.

I know I’m wild, but wild people want families too. I kinda give on that though in the traditional sense. I see that’s not for me. I know I am worthy of that love I desire. I’m too damn hurt, disappointed, broken, jaded, bitter all that to even try.

I honestly just want to be alone for a while figure out who I am.

I don’t think I really know who I am… I just want to be me independent of man for a while and just rest.

I am so tired, I just want to focus on writing, fashion and travel but mainly I want to sleep… and get to know the real me.. the land a man me because I think that’s the only version of myself I know🤭😬

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.