Over the past year I’ve been on a very deep journey of self discovery that I really didn’t understand fully until the last few days.
My life has kinda come full circle and it’s really beautiful.
I’m very open about my life, my mental health struggles, everything.. last year I was on the verge of suicide..
Things were that bad..
and I was in THERAPY..
and I had a relationship, and children, a job all
Of the “things” that are supposed to make a person “happy” and complete however.. I was completely overwhelmed.
I was being abused mental at work to the point I was stressed.. (obviously.. I was suicidal) I was working beyond my capacity as a nurse out of the kindness of my heart and naively I was crippling myself and becoming disabled.
I was in a relationship better suited for co-parenting so I had to do what was best for me my mental health I filed for divorce.
I realized as much as I wanted Christy to have two parents, I had become a person I didn’t recognize and I just didn’t like the tone our relationship had taken and things could not go back to the way they were.
In the past I was so afraid to be judged as a “single mom” I just wanted my peace.
I just want Christy and Brooke to have a happy, mentally healthy, confident mom.
They deserve that. They just deserved more.
I took the time during the pandemic to really focus on self love and past trauma and I realized that I am codependent never really properly loved myself so I started to love myself hard and I became strong..
I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been THIS strong in my life.
It’s been a hell of year for me.
I was driven to leave my job due to stress, panic attacks so bad I couldn’t function.
I lost an a ORGAN due to stress
I was diagnosed with 2 chronic illnesses, spinal arthritis and I filed for divorce….
I also reported a sexual assault that occurred when I was in the military.
I’ve been fighting so much for myself this year I’m so many ways.
I have overcome in ways that I never would have thought I would.
I can be alone now! I can enjoy my own peace. I actually crave it and have date nights and spa nights with myself.. I had never done that before.
I spent so much of my time pampering men that I never put that attention on myself and it felt so good to just embrace myself and be intimate and love myself more.
I deserve it!
I just feel so bold about these things..
I’ve been telling close friend I feel like a kid out of high school like I have a second chance at life.
I feel like I’m finally living life on my terms.
I’m at peace, I’m genuinely happy and I’m enjoying discovering new things about myself.
I’m the same woman, I’m just more comfortable in who I am.
I’m strong but I’m okay with saying “hold me” it’s taken me a long time to build this woman.
To find her, a part of me is low key grateful for the pandemic because it forced me to slow down and look at my life and the people in it.
I really had to take time and evaluate every single relationship, starting with the one I had with myself.
I realized I was just a wounded damaged girl and I had been begging people to see me, love me, and care for me for so many years and I had been mistreated and hurt by every man that I said “I do” to..
I never went into any marriage thinking I would be a divorced woman. I saw forever in their eyes and tried to build houses on broken promises, lies, you name it.. I been through it. My soul literally cried out “ENOUGH” and I honored it cry.
I have to heal.. I have given enough of my time to the pursuit husband and wife.. what about me? At some point my happiness matters..
At the end of the day I wanted something I never had..
I don’t feel bad for trying.
I do regret feeling unloveable for so many years because that’s simply not true.
I felt as if I was “defective” or just plain unloveable for some reason and I always felt like I was grasping at love almost desperate, just wanting to know what it felt like because it wasn’t touching me for some reason.
So when I would hear the words
“I love you”
Well.. I’d do another for you so I got put through ANYTHING 😅
and you will..
If you don’t love yourself
I realized I had let men put my through anything my whole life…
I would put up with shit so they would stay..
But fuck that…
That gets old.. fast and I discovered something called
Over the pandemic and realized.. my children are watching what I accept and what I go through and how I live and love even if I don’t open my mouth or they aren’t seeing things play out..
They know and hell..
I had to change my life and it was scary, it’s still scary but I’m just taking life one day at a time.
The girls and I are happy.
I have a new found energy and freedom it’s nice.
You don’t have to be hateful about divorce.
We just weren’t meant to be.
We are focusing on being the best parents we can be for Christy and that’s really all we can do.
This year has been an intense and interesting journey one that I’m incredibly humble and excited to be on.
I can’t wait to see what’s next 💚❤️😏
Thank you for reading