Sucker for love

My entire life all I’ve ever wanted to be was “in love”

You know just like in the movies…

I wanted a boy to meet me and just know I was special I was “the one” you know.. like in the movies..

But life isn’t a movie.

I mean there was certainly a lot of action 😅

At one point in my life I was confusing sex for love.. I just had an intense need to be felt, wanted and needed intimately.

You see what they don’t show you in movies is the work that goes in after you say the words “I love you”

And me for.. those words are like are some kind of drug! Once I hear it.. it’s like a rush, a high, it’s intoxicating.. who doesn’t love, love.. it’s like giving crack to a crackhead! It’s amazing!

I’ll do anything for the person, they are my own personal drug.

I’ve been in pursuit of love since my teens and it’s got me hurt and in trouble to say the least.

Just reminiscing about things I’ve done for the men I’ve “loved” is cringe worthy because I know if the tables were turned those “men” and I use the term very loosely would not do the same for me.

In my 20’s my stupidity and loyalty were at an all time high and I once drove a tooth brush 70 miles to young man.. the dick wasn’t even that good.. but “he loved me”

I also ended up in coma after a fight because you guessed “Love”

I’ve restricted my eating and became less than 100lbs because I married a bodybuilder and I noticed he treated me better the smaller I was and he seemed like he “loved” me, he let me and my daughter live with him.. looking back that wasn’t love. I worshipped that man and he manipulated me there was a whole lot going on there but it definitely wasn’t love.. but I wanted it to be.

I think I’m an addict and love is my drug of choice.. and that is so scary and dangerous because everyone wants love.

You crave you, you see it around you everyday and you want it in it purest form.

You want to experience it..

Every experience I’ve had with “love” has ended horrifically and made me nearly traumatized and almost numb to “love” because how can people “love” and do the things that have been done to me.

I’ve been cheated on so me time.. why bother even mentioning it, it’s laughable at this point for me to believe men can be faithful not in my experiences

Those experiences left me feeling very hollow and less than. They also did a number on my self esteem and my made super insecure.

I got to the point where I just didn’t find myself attractive because of the habits of these men I was with.. as I got older I realized.. it wasn’t me.

Some men are just 🗣HOT GARBAGE🤷🏾‍♀️

There are men that are actually faithful and open and honest about their sexual experiences, wants and needs who are mature enough to express things without sneaking behind someone’s back.

I realized over the summer the love I had been desiring from men I had within myself and I just needed to bring it out.

I slowly started to by just spending time with myself and truly loving myself.. as silly as it sounds bathing with myself, reading and enjoying my own time.

I had to really learn.. love isn’t like the movies and I needed to let go of all the unreal expectations I held on to behind the words “I love you” because you need more than “I love you” in a relationship.

I also learned sex.. isn’t love, I learned that years ago but a lot of men and women think being great at sex keeps someone…

Sex is beautiful! It’s amazing! It’s my favorite form of cardio..

🗣BUT IT DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE!

I repeat it does not equal 🗣LOVE

It just means ya genitals go together well 🤷🏾‍♀️

Hell, some people do that for living.. that’s not really saying much and I’m not putting them down I love the adult entertainment industry 🙌🏾

I’m just saying getting physically don’t make it love.

I’ve had to fight recently not to become jaded. I always want to believe that love is real..

Of course not like the movies.

I think my perception of love has always been false.

I’ve always wanted someone else’s version of love.

I’ve looked up to my grandparents marriage,

I’ve idolized couples I’ve seen. I’ve worshipped fictional couples and real celebrities who’ve since divorced.. hell I’ve divorced 4 times so what does Love really mean and why am I chasing this brass ring that apparently no one really understands…

Because it feels good.. like every drug addict..

I’m addicted.. I can’t quit.. and it’s love.

You just pray you don’t fall too fast, too hard, by yourself or on your face.

There really aren’t any rules.. they kind of go out the window.. at least that’s what I’m doing anyway.

I’m healing.. I’m forgiving myself for being such a sucker in the past. I couldn’t help being young and dumb.

I’m wiser now and I can see, I can feel and I’m capable of seeing things more clearly…hopefully I’ll speak up.

It’s all a process, a journey new life, whole lotta new going on these days for me to navigate and I’ve just got to learn to navigate and communicate and be realistic most importantly.

I just have to breathe the picture and fantasy of “love” I have in my head isn’t real and I think I have to understand that and a lot of people get caught up in the fantasy of love and don’t see that they are dealing with a human.. humans are flawed.

They make mistakes so Love is filled with flaws but it’s shouldn’t be painful and traumatic anyways that’s all I gots for today be blessed and be happy but do be a whole sucker for love ✌🏾but I do hope you find a love that makes you feel like you’re flying,

Enjoy your day.

2 comments

  1. I feel this!!! Currently I’m in a fairly healthy relationship with someone who truly does love me. However, I’m so jaded and cynical about love because of past relationships,whenever he says something romantic to me or about me, I have a sarcastic remark. I’m working on it and he is patient…which is why I love him.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Its hard really hard I’m trying to not be cynical about things but it’s so hard I do believe love is real though and it’s really good men out there if you’re willing to do the work within yourself

      Like

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