For the first time in my life I feel like a grown ass woman

I’m having a full on I am woman hear me roar moment and I am HERE FOR IT! I don’t know how to fully explain myself but I feel alive for the first time in my life.

I feel like I actually inhabit my own skin and I can make my choices for once without thinking about “is this going to make my family proud?” “Will this earn x amount of dollars?” “Does this make him happy?” “Am I late?” “What’s for dinner?”

So much of our identity is tied up into our family and what we do for a living that we honestly don’t realize that until we step away from those things and create a life completely free of those things.

My whole life I was “Shayla the nurse” and “Shayla the wife” because those were things I thought I needed to be because number one nurses make good money and I wanted to make my family proud of me.

I wanted them look and say “we have a nurse in this family” I wanted them to be proud of what I had achieved.

I also loved the money.

I was a single mom.

I put myself through school.. hell.. I stripped my way through school let’s be really real.

I got married because society says that’s we’re supposed to do and I didn’t want to be judged for being a single mom.

Honestly, I’ve done a damn good job raising my kids with the hell I’ve gone through the last 14 years and I owe these girls peace.. enough is enough.

I’ve been through the fire this year and I finally feel at home in my own skin.

I made peace with my past and I’m no longer ashamed of it.

I used to be ashamed of the fact I was married 4 times I referred to myself as a “4 time loser” when in reality I was just a 19 year old girl desperately seeking out love and affectionate in men that she didn’t have in herself.

You’re not a fully formed human mentally until you’re 25.

I got married the first time at 19.

I wasn’t even a fully formed human yet..

I didn’t know shit about being a man’s wife.

I didn’t shit about love.. yet there I was battling my own undiagnosed mental issue and married to a man battling his own demon.

It was a recipe for destruction.

Does that make me or that man a loser?

No.. that makes kids who had no business in a West Virginia courthouse getting married in June one day… but hindsight is 2020 right 🤷🏾‍♀️

You can’t beat yourself up forever.

I did.

I used to really beat myself up for the way things ended, with that first marriage and I had to reconcile the fact I was 19 and I had an undiagnosed mental illness, but still your past is your past and until you forgive yourself it hurts.

I had to face a lot of my own demons this year and I won and I just truly understand the term battling depression because I battled tooth and nail for my happinesses and for my strength this year.

This year I took the time to take a self love journey and I’m so glad I did.

I just wanted to know why I was the way I was

Why did I love so hard?

Why did the trauma in my life leave me the way it did?

And why do I have any friends deeper than surface level?

That was something that was really bothering me.

I also felt like I was drowning creatively and in my relationship.. I was a mess all around so I wanted to fix it all because I was overwhelmed in my own life.

The problem was I wasn’t living my life for me..

I was trying to live up to what society wanted!

Society says I need to be married..

I have to have a perfect job and make a perfect amount of money.

Well MY THERAPIST said I needed to step away from my toxic work environment and stay home…

I’ve been off work for over a year on work related stress, I was being mentally abused at work pretty bad and not telling anyone because I needed my job 🤷🏾‍♀️😐

It’s cool… I only let it happen for 3 years…

I know.. I know.. I’m an idiot..but THERAPY

moral of the story my mind and body broke down one day and I couldn’t go back 🤷🏾‍♀️😐

I had been “Shayla the nurse” for so long it was hard to cope. I was depressed not working even though I really couldn’t it wasn’t safe I was really sick.

My panic attacks we debilitating. I was shaking, vomiting, had no memory at times, couldn’t drive it was horrific.

I felt guilt about leaving my patient even though members of the family were mean to me and I had nightmares about the people and late.

I mean I would wake up in cold sweats.

I have PTSD! FROM WORK😅

My escape believe it or not was style blogging. I have always loved fashion and style so I began to focus my attention on how to create more fashion and style content since I was home.

I started to gain more confidence and become more and more open with my looks, especially with the quarantine were stuck in the house I started to braid my hair again, that’s something I’ve always done.

I used to braid hair when I was about 10, I taught myself by watching a woman in the mirror braiding my hair and I’ve braiding ever since.

Through the pandemic it’s been a way for me to express myself and it’s been so much fun and just a reminder of what I can do… I missed seeing ME.

I never realized how much I needed a self love journey until I found an old journal from 2013I was literally BEGGING my ex-husband to love me and pay attention to me.

Ugh…

See what we’re not doing is lacking confidence and begging to be seen not up in here not in these streets.

I actually started small and I didn’t realize I was doing it all..

I took my mental health SERIOUSLY.

I wanted to be a better me and I took it seriously and I still do.

Next I started dating myself and giving myself the love I was giving everyone and that’s when I realized I had been short changed my whole life but that a whole other post.

I started loving myself so good I asked my husband for a divorce..

You learn your strength when you’re going through a divorce alone.

You don’t want to talk about it, because it’s almost taboo people are allowed to dote on a bride but you can’t congratulate a divorcée who made it the fire unburned, unburdened and unbothered 🙌🏾💅🏿 because that’s what this diva is!

The universe opened my eyes and showed me I got everything I asked for.. I am home creating with my kids…JUST LIKE I ALWAYS WANTED

I have just been at peace lately and grateful for everything that has happened and just grateful for the woman I am and for finally feeling at home in every inch of my skin.

As this year draws to a close we have to learn from everything, the dark moments can teach us beautiful things.

Remember not to shun darkness but to embrace it.

Learn from it, speak to it and understand it. There’s a reason behind all the pain.

Especially this year.. also if you’re in pain.. express through that pain.

Some of the most beautiful art is made during the most painful times.. keep creating you’re magic to someone 💚🖤

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