For the for first time in my adult life I actually feel beautiful.

Not because a man is telling me, but because when I look in the mirror and when I go to bed at alone at night I feel beautiful inside.

I never felt that way before about myself.

I’ve always suffered from really low self esteem, so low in fact I was afraid to wear the black lipstick I’m wearing in the photo because I’ve always been afraid my lips were “too big” for my face.

I used to get teased for many things, I’ve talked about it on the blog in detail in my post on called “Dear little black girl” where I discussed the trauma of colorism and how that’s shaped my confidence or lack therefore.

I always compared myself to standards of beauty I could never reach which is just asinine but so many black women do it and we just don’t realize that we’re doing it.

I silenced myself because of my race being in the town I’m from and I’ve discussed that in the post “Silent Black Girl Syndrome”

I’ve tried to assimilate and just fit it, I’ve tried to live up to standards that weren’t even meant for me.

Today I sat and I tried to just remember when I started feel “ugly” as an adult and why…

I had been cheated on by my 2nd husband. My 2nd husband and I were thick as thieves got tattoos together (idiots 🙄😅) had that Ike and Tina (Toxic)

but he “loved” be and I really did love him until I found out he was sleeping with everyone…including the landlord of the apartments who decided to comment on my looks and call me “fat” and “ugly” and at the time I believed because well she was sleeping with my husband.

And I wasn’t 😬

I had never been hurt so bad in my life.

I really loved my second husband, we were young and dumb but like I always do I tried to give him a family and love him “beyond his pain” but as I get older and look back I realize it’s not my job to heal anyone but myself.

As women when we get cheated on we try our best to say “it’s not us” but we carry that pain and it chips away at our confidence.

For years I had men cheat on me and it’s not from lack of creativity or not being a sexual person..

I was cheated on while pregnant..

I’ve just dealt with some shitty men and that brings you to a place where you look in the mirror and you just don’t see value in your smile so you don’t.

I was never the type of woman who was vain or paid much attention to my looks, I mean I know I’m an attractive person but after what I had been through I truly felt ugly and I didn’t like looking people in the eye and sometimes I still have a hard time and accepting compliments.. I tend to crack jokes to deflect attention from myself.

I was so low I lost who I was so for long and my confidence in everything I did suffered.

I had a realization that lack of confidence is just fear and I had been suffering because of what I had been through in the past and I needed to realize that fear was affecting me and my current relationship subconsciously because I can’t just assume every man is the same and I have to have confidence in myself as woman period.

You can pretend that you have confidence or appear to be a very confident person but if you lack confidence it affects every aspect of your life until you address it.

I’m working through my insecurities with my therapist… I’ve got two months to conquer 35 years of insecurities…So far dressing the way I want and expressing myself stylistically has made me feel the most beautiful and confident I ever have in my entire life.

A friend of mine posted on Facebook this post about a couple, a man showering his wife and telling his wife what he loved about her body since she was insecure about her body…well I showered alone and told myself what I loved about the parts of my body I’m insecure about..

I touched on my lil’ tiger stripes on my stomach from giving birth, at first I grimaced.. then a smile melted across my face as I remembered I made two strong beautiful girls one is 5’8.. that’s amazing that’s beautiful.

I used to hate my thighs..I SMACKED EM’

Lil THICC chocolate thighs them thangs is powerful! They’ve carried me everywhere I have to go and I love them they are beautiful.

I loved on body from head to toe and I told myself “you’re enough” yeah it sounds corny but some times you have to do corny things alone to heal.

Being beautiful comes from the soul and radiates out.

It’s a feeling.

For the first time in my life I’m learning myself and I think I’m beautiful, I’m not trying to be beautiful to be sexy for men.

I’m beautiful for myself, I’ve never had this feeling, if that makes sense. I am seeing someone I’m not trying to impress him with my beauty.. I’m not trying to impress him with anything I’m just myself and I’ve never felt for free or beautiful.

I realized I’ve been in my way the whole time just being afraid.

Afraid something “bad” will happen..

I have that approach with everything in life and that’s prevented me from trying even the simplest things, lipstick, travel.. so much

I’ve slowly started to get out of my own way and I’ve never felt more alive mentally, physically or spiritually.

It’s crazy what a mental shift can do.

We spend so much time trying to fit the world’s standard of beautiful but I’m learning it’s so much more fun to create your own.