Dreaming with a broken heart

I committed the cardinal sin, I dated my mentor, my friend of like 20 years and we ended yesterday and I’m devastated.

I feel like my soul is broken.

I knew it was coming.

I probably shouldn’t haven’t been in a relationship anyway I “fall in love” so fast and he said everything I wanted to hear and because of who he was.. I loved him right away.

I admired that man so long and he knew he had the power to crush my heart in his hands and I gave it to him.

I shouldn’t have.

I was dumb.

I have this dream of love coming true and I’ve loved that man since I’ve know what love was so I had to try just know what it was like, so it was worth the risk just to burn and my God does it burn but I’m so tired of people just using me like I’m not a human being.

Like I don’t have feelings just because I’m “strong” I have feelings..

I break and I am broken.

I know what you’re thinking “why even put yourself in that situation”

I believed him and I wanted that man so long I just had to know, part of me wishes I never knew because I hate this pain and I would still have my friend, but hindsight is 2020 and you can’t take back what’s been done.

You can’t unravel the threads of time the tapestry is woven its complete, heavy and dark weighing me down in the bed I made, the bed I soak with the tears.

I’ve never allowed myself to go through a breakup.

I typically just run to the next man but this time I don’t want to.

I feel like my soul is broken and I just don’t know what to do.

I’m hurt.

I don’t know if it’s because of who it was or what but I’m think it’s just the shock of how everything happened and how I’ve been treated in general by men.

It’s like men forget I’m a human being when they’re done with me.

They’ve had their fun they hung up and I don’t exist anymore.

It hurts, I’m tired of feeling empty.

I don’t understand how someone can do that to a person just be so cruel. So cold, so heartless.

I’ve had so much happen to me by men that claim to “love me” I really don’t think anyone ever has.

It’s been so hard lately and it’s not like I’m some crazy person all I’ve wanted is someone to love me the way I love them and I’ve never experienced that.

I give and I give and I give in relationships and men just take or give nothing and I have nothing else left. I’m empty… this last relationship broke me. I shouldn’t have gave him that power but I loved him THAT much, a piece of me always will and I need to heal so it won’t 😞

I’ve experienced cheating, abuse and emotionally unavailable men still hung up on their exes.

I just come as myself, open, honest and loving and it’s too much.

That hurts. I don’t understand it. How could a man just hurt a woman for now reason.

I literally did nothing to that man but love him and he hurt me. Just because he could. It was just cruel.

All I can do is pick up the pieces and move forward and never allow myself to be in that position again but it hurts and I still can’t believe my friend would do me this way.

I don’t let my guard down and I think the fact I opened up and revealed so much really bothers me.

I feel so exposed and naked like this man just knows my secrets and gutted me like a damn fish, and doesn’t give a damn.

He really only cares about himself. That proved it.

Said what he had to say and hung up in my face like I was garbage.. couldn’t hang up on me fast enough and post his next movie clip fast enough I was just garbage and ass to him he was everything to me.

That broke my soul.

It took everything in me to talk to him, trust him, give myself to him and I was just ass to him that’s hard to face and that’s what hurts.

Luckily I’m home and I can heal, but I didn’t want to be healing from this.

I know everyone thinks I’m stupid and I really don’t care, it’s not their life I took a risk and it didn’t work out, hurts like hell to think you meant nothing to someone who meant something to you.

You live and you learn 🤷🏾‍♀️ I’m so fucking sick of life lessons.

I don’t know what it is about me I’m working on myself as I heal but I just wanted a partner.

I didn’t want to be used. I keep running into the same spirit in different men that’s why I need to just heal.

I’m tired of hurting like this.. this is worst pain I’ve ever had.

Just got to get through it one day at a time.

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