After my last breakup I had a lot of time of think about where my life was going relationship wise.
I’ve decided I’m worthy of the love I’ve been giving and to place that love into my art, my children and myself until it’s time for me pursue a relationship.
No more dating for me.. I’m dating my work only.
The last heartbreak taught me and is still teaching me so many valuable lessons.
I’m a very passionate lover, a very giving woman.
When I’m in a relationship I give 100% of myself, I’m loyal, honest and I have pure intentions. I’m a supportive partner and I breathe life into my partners dreams, I’m just that type of woman. I’ll hold you down a little too much 😅
I give so much of myself I have a tendency to lose myself in my love for people because I want them to love me so much and that’s the problem.
I can’t control how hard I love.
I’m also very quiet, I can love you to death but never say a word because I’m a writer!
I’m still learning and loving who am as woman so I can’t expect a man too right now.
Honestly… I want to date my work.
I took this a class online just to improve my skills for this blog and Instagram because I love creating content. (I don’t want clients.. I’ve just always really had a love for makeup and I wanted to take things further so I don’t sound like an idiot when I make Youtube videos.
After I completed the course I realized how much I loved creating makeup content and how excited I became when the content was shared.
I also realize how time consuming it is to be about your work and I just don’t do makeup I’ve started to become a lot more serious about writing reviews.
I’ve always really enjoyed reviewing things, in fact the major of the views for this site come from cannabis reviews so it was a really natural transition to switch between different items makeup, fashion but movies were always home.
The first horror review I did was my ex’s movie “The Devil’s Heist” Review
It did really well!
I wrote that review from a place of love for a person I cared for deeply and I never imagined it opening the doors it did.
Once I hit publish I just genuinely wanted to share my love for this brilliant man’s acting and my admiration for the film I just saw it lead to several reviewing opportunities like “The Box” Review
And “Capture, Kill, Release” Review and more to come!
When you do something out of love you have no expectations of anything in return.
I’ve been overwhelmed by reciprocating opportunities, I’m honestly honored.
I realized after writing the first review I really loved writing movie reviews and I wanted to perfect my craft, write more prolific reviews and I wanted to grow.
I also realized the need for forgiveness and the ability to let go and move on.
I needed to release any pain I had because that review was apart of my body of work forever.
At some point I had that love that I felt when writing the piece and I realized I was grateful for that moment even if it was painful and bittersweet. You grow from you pain.
I loved that work, that person, that moment and you move on from it.
I have a habit of throwing myself into my work when I’m in pain and this time was no different, I was in so much pain I was nearly paralyzed but I forced myself to work as hard as I could and it just forced me to reconcile with my own creativity and love it, like I never have.
I want to dive deeper into myself as creative, as a writer, a makeup artist a woman in general.
That’s what this stage of my life is for, breathing life and confidence into who I truly am.
Then when it’s time at some point I can share that whole, complex, woman with someone.
Right now I’m excited about makeup, fashion, my bachelorette pad.. my new life
I just want to breathe into me for a while and I’m just not ready….
I’m healing, growing, changing and evolving everyday and I’m loving who I’m growing into as a creative and I just want to sit with that for a while and when you’re in a relationship you can’t invest financially and time wise without feeling some sort of guilt.
I know that was an issue when I first started my blog.
I know it might seem cliché but it honestly the first time in my life I’ve really ever stood alone confidently and called myself a writer or an artist or been single so I’m just here in my own power just as I am.
I guess I’m dating myself and my work.
For so long I was guilty and vulnerable because I felt “unlovable” or “not good enough ” that’s all bullshit
I had to take WEEKS and look at myself and say “I’m enough” “I’m worthy “and “this is just a moment”
It worked.. I started to tell myself “I’m worthy of the love I give” because I felt like I kept giving so much of myself to people who didn’t want me and that is hard.
It’s hard to cry yourself to sleep at night feeling unloved and unwanted and not understanding why.
That is hard.. that’s something I no longer wish to feel so I’m not placing myself in a position to be unloved or unwanted.
I think it’s just not my time to love.. I’ve wanted this great love story.
Wanted to make my own family, prove that I could do it and I’ve been doing it wrong out the gate.. so I think I just have to let that go and focus on my art, my children (obvi) and myself.
I think when I’m healed and healthy the universe will finally give me that great love story I been dying for this whole time.. till then…I’ll just create a great life.
I’ll make friends, I’ll have experiences and make memories
I’m going to just be happy..figuring it all out.
Single hood, motherhood, being a creative on my terms I’m ready to navigate that, for once, I’m fearless.
I’m learning in order to grow you need to let go move and focus on your own dreams, focus on what’s motivates you, what keeps you going everyday and wake up and do it a little better the next day.
Sometimes what you want ain’t what you need at the time and you got understand that and just live.
It’s only moment…. I learned that this time in my life is about patience. I thought it was about finance etc it’s just about patience, growth being mindful and intentional, healing.
It will happen in time till then focusing on what’s in front on you and just keep creating… that’s my plan just date my work and see where we end.🥰