Two years ago I called the v.a trembling, having panic attacks so severe they were affecting my g.i system.
I was unable to complete task at work, my hands would shake, sweat, I would vomit, I would forget things become angry, I was a completely different person on top of that I was having issues at work and I began to notice repeative symptoms..
I didn’t want to say ocd but I noticed I was prisoner of habits and perfection and I needed help.
I called the v.a and started seeing a my therapist and yesterday he checked in and I was real with him he’s like how are you and I said
“Well my daughter just had heart surgery and I just finished that social security disability case this week and that workmen’s comp case is going good, I’m adjusting very well to being single a woman woman, the panic attacks have returned I’m not sleeping at that’s what you missed on this episode of Pokémon”
He laughed.. and then said “WHOA YOUR KID HAD HEART SURGERY!” I said “yeah but this something we’ve wanted for a very long time and she was born with a defect and NOW she’s got a valve it’s like having a newborn baby that’s nearly 6 ft and 15 years old”
He laughed again and asked how I’m dealing with being single and how I even TALK to my ex after how things went sour..
I told him the TRUTH!
It took me a lot of hard thinking to reconcile everything.. he and I were friends for twenty years and literally dated for like four months, majority of that was on the phone and during a pandemic, we had no physical contact during a time both of us were very vulnerable and in need.
I wasn’t there and I didn’t know how to be.
I can only speak for when myself and I say I loved a man but I was in love alone so I had to get over my feelings a just get over whatever the hell that was a put it away.. and face the facts.
That man just didn’t love me they way I loved him.
We had 20 years of friendship and we continued to be friends he texted and apologized for how he ended things and I accepted it but in my heart and I mind I know I know I will never allow myself to be that vulnerable with him or anyone that quickly and that’s what I told my therapist.
My therapist told me that was very mature of me 🧐
I honestly felt like some relationships just hold different value and this man has written on my skin.. I can’t run from him.
There’s just somethings and some people you can’t outrun.
I explained that as well and he understood that.
I’ve been LOVING being single and loving myself. I think in the past when I’ve been in relationships I’ve had to pour into my partner.. which isn’t a bad thing when you have the right partner.
I’ve never experienced that.. so I’ve just been on an intense self love journey and that’s what I told my therapist about.
That I’ve been pouring into fitness, fashion, makeup,
The things I really didn’t get to enjoy in life because I was to busy chasing dick..
It’s like I’ve had so many things happen to me in life I need this healing period to really just embrace myself and just fully become the woman I’m meant to be.
I explained to my therapist I went from husband to husband and I never really healed from the relationships.
I’m just not healing from what happened with those men and forgiving myself for what happened when I was 19 and 21 years old.. I was a kid desperately grasping at love wherever I could find it and these men gave me “love” if that’s what you call it.
So I’ve placed my heart on a shelf for now..
There’s no time limit on “Love” of “finding love” so I don’t feel this urgency I once felt because I’m currently Dating my work and I’m really busy￼
I genuinely am content with the woman I’m becoming.
My therapist was speechless because two years ago I was planning my wedding…
I was in relationship where excuses where King and I was the Queen smiling waiting for her King do anything.. so I had to had vacate that kingdom..
I just gave too many damn chances 💅🏿
My therapist congratulated me for realizing my worth.
I told him.. it wasn’t that hard.. I mean “it ain’t that much love in the world.. I got kids watching me.. and they were watching me beg a man for a two bedroom apartment”
That wasn’t love..
there can be excuses given to our situation over and over and over over but I’m just not the type to beg especially with my kids watch me I can do bad all by myself.
He laughed again.
I told him… I wasn’t joking that’s how I was raised.
I can struggle alone..
I told him since I was alone I felt like I could actually process pain and I felt like I’m actually happier.
I can confess I do get lonely I’m human, I handle my urges when they come but as far as a relationship I’m honest there’s a whole ass pandemic where there fuck can I go?!?
And I’m spoiled now.. I spoil myself for no reason, Chanel perfume and lipgloss I’m not tryna suck no dick ruin my Chanel lipgloss…
It’s gonna have to be some special dick to part these lips like MOSES parted the Red Sea I waited this damn long, I can wait a little longer.. it’s Rona out there 🤷🏾♀️
My therapist laughed but I was serious you have to have two forms of identification for dick now you need to if they been to the clinic and if they covid negative it’s too much pressure so I just stay out the streets.
I just workout, read, take care of my kids and do my my makeup.. I’m a drag queen..
Look.. it’s not hurting anyone
I’m super happy and I’m having so much fun..
I’ve come a long way from Healing from a breakdown
I still can’t believe I was so stressed out I lost an organ and I also can’t believe I was so stressed out I wanted to END IT ALL..because of a job and a relationship..
I was that overwhelmed.. I couldn’t speak.. I thought I needed those things to be happy..
I nearly DIED..
Trying to make people happy, trying to earn everything. I realized if I dropped dead that moment that job would find another nurse and not think twice about me..
My blood pressure was so high I would have nose bleeds because I didn’t want to “let people down” and
“We needed the money” it was so damn hard
I literally remember wanting to die because I just remembered the stress of having to live paycheck to check and add up the money for the family and I wasn’t the “fun” one and I was budgeting in my head all the time and when the first would come I would have panic attacks so bad because I knew many people needed me or something from me I was crippled with anxiety and fear I would vomit blood.
My kids didn’t want to be around me.
It was bad.
My therapist reminded me of that time and now..
All the pain, the stress, the heartache I have come a long way and therapy works.. using the techniques works.
I didn’t even know what a damn trauma list was or how to really stick to a morning routine, join group therapy etc
But I’ve done those things and I made changes BIG changes, scary changes and I’m still making changes in my life for the better and my therapist sees them.
We talked about where he could do better since my care has been half in person and half via phone and via computer.
I was honest.. I always am..
I told him it’s
“It’s too damn hard to go 8 weeks without seeing or hearing from someone I have a family, a support system, I’m pretty strong mentally at times but there are times when I’m not and it’s really, dark and that 8 weeks feels like 8 months and I can’t take that, I start having flashbacks and it’s hard then I know it’s not your fault but it’s too much for me to deal with I can’t handle everything and not have someone to talk to for 8 weeks you know what I mean so I have to journal, workout and do my makeup I don’t know what else to do.. and what about those other vets they don’t have anyone?”
He said yeah he brought that up in a meeting and I said
“Damn y’all have meetings about us you do care”
And we talked about a few more things but I really can’t believe how far I’ve come in two years of therapy..
Taking it seriously I mean I’ve been in some form of therapy since I was 19 but it’s helpful and more than a trend..
I wrote all this to say.. if you need help get help your whole life will change I promise you.
and being single ain’t that bad you can actually focus on your inner being and it’s a beautiful thing..
You don’t have to answer to anyone🤣
This post was so amazing, allowing yourself the level of vulnerability that you share is such a gift to your readers. Thank you so much for this, thank you for pressing on when life has been so hard. Personally my world is better with you in it.