Why I no longer believe in relationships

I took the time to date myself, and love myself and I realized I’m better off alone. Maybe not forever be at least for right now.

I’m tired of hurting people and tired people hurting me.

I also don’t want to introduce anyone to the lives of my children.

Now that’s not to say that as young woman in my mid 30’s I’m not going to want to “experience” people from time to time but I don’t think I have the capacity to want to pierce the bubble to make it relationship or have them become the “ruler” or “step father” over me and my children.. I don’t want to hand any man those reigns yet.

My oldest child is 15 and she NEVER had a dad and I’ve recently watched my 4 years old father move across country and seeing the pain she deals with I don’t want to get involved with some man and we break up and they don’t have a “father” again that would just devastate me.

I feel that as an adult I’m allow to have friendships that don’t evolve into anything further than just that deep and meaningful friendship.

I’m learning you don’t have to just get married out the gate..

I’ve actually befriended a couple of my ex-husbands.

We’ve realized that we married WAY too young and our friendship was actually really valuable.

We had connections deep connections they just probably should have been boyfriends for a while before they were whole ass husbands and I would have seen maybe WE collectively weren’t ready for that level of a relationship..

There’s levels to that shit.. and when I was like 19 all I saw was LOVE= MARRIAGE…

No JOB… no financial situation, no NOTHING.. just dumb ass six fucking rocks glued together.

I should have learned but I did in some aspects but in other ways I didn’t.

Some people have to just realize that relationship aren’t for them and stop hurting people and themselves.

It’s selfish to continue doing especially since I have children.

I mean yeah like I said I’m a grown woman if I have “needs” I’m grown about that but as far as traditional meet the mom and pops and step father to my kids.

We’re just at point where we are bonding right now and I’m feeling strong!

I enjoy being a single woman! I don’t have to answer to anyone, I’m still finding myself and everyday I finding something to love and enjoy about myself.

I’m never bored with myself.. I actually find with children I don’t have enough time to spend alone doing the things I like to do.

I love writing poetry, reading books, I really love peaceful and quiet things that you really can’t get into when you have and ACTIVE four year old and teenage girl with 3 friends on FaceTime at any give time but I digress…

I’ve just learned lately there’s so much more to life than chasing love and waiting for love to find me.. I found me and when I found me realized I didn’t want anyone else to find me right now.

I mean I’ve also just learned relationships just don’t have to be ROMANTIC.

I’ve always had this idea things had to be one way and I never really opened my mind up to anything else because I always figured men just wanted sex from me so I always this guard up and never gave myself a chance to get to know anyone and that’s my fault..

I’ve probably missed out on some great friends but I was also probably right 60% of the time… just sayin

But I just felt like I made a very big and freeing step in my life and once I discovered what was for me and not for me I was able to relax.

I was always worried about what the other person felt and thought about me in relationships and I could never get comfortable… sadly I never really felt completely loved in any relationship I was in with conditions and I didn’t learn until AFTER my marriages ended that those men even cared because I was so insecure and so worried the whole time.

That’s a sad life to live and hard way to continue to search “Love” I think the love I was meant to find was inside me all along.

I’ve just been so happy diving deeper and deeper into myself and find me.. the real me a vulnerable woman, a sexual woman, a confident woman, an intelligent woman who isn’t afraid to express herself and learn about herself the world around her and experience new things and new people… I’m in love with HER

Life is about finding out who are what you want and what you like and dislike and I’ve been searching for love and relationships this whole time and they just weren’t for me… funny how that works 🤷🏾‍♀️

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