And it feels soooo good

I’ve been going through a lot inside.

When this all started I had started therapy and I had actually agreed to medication for the first time..

I figured I had time off to FULLY take care of my mental health which is something I had never done before so I was going to take the full time to do take medication and document what those medications did and that meant the side effects etc

I had no idea the world would shut down and I would have no face to face contact with my dr.. I had a breakdown….

When I have breakdowns, I typically shutdown and become very depressed.

This time when I became I stopped blogging and stopped all my creative outlets because I figured.. it just wasn’t the time to be creative.

My blog and my Ig were about thrifted fashion and the thrift stores were all closed and I just wasn’t really moved to stand I front of my house when people were dying.. it felt dumb.. I felt dumb.

How stupid would I be posing there with my clothes and people were dying so I just shut up 🤷🏾‍♀️

I didn’t have anything to say… I was hurting inside and I just wasn’t feeling and I abandoned my blog.. I abandoned my Instagram and I become very sad.

My therapist called and told me it was actually very unhealthy of me to quit my blog during this time.

He told me that I need to create during the pain.

Physically my body is battling faulty gallbladder and chronic pancreatitis (that is kombucha in that gorgeous glass I’m sipping) it feels l ate Mike Tyson and he’s constantly battling his way out of my body but as long as I’m creating I don’t feel anything.

As long as I’m writing.. it’s fine.. as long as I’m in behind a lens or coming up with something for social media mind is too busy to care about what my body of my mind is going through.

I guess that that’s what’s so cool about creative outlets.. they’re outlets.

You can just unleash all that ugly.

All the pain, the rage, the bitterness..

It’s almost like you can fly you’re weightless.

My therapist was so shocked when I told him I just up and quit all my creative projects he said

“You talked about all those things with such pride almost like they were your children.. you wouldn’t just quit your children would?”

After that conversation with my therapist I was moved to talk to everyone that has been supportive of me as writer.

I had so many people that were supportive of me.. but it was ME who wasn’t supportive of me.

I told my therapist I was just too sad to write.

He told me.. just write a paragraph…

I said

“How about a very passionate tweet”

He laughed

When I got off the phone though I started to play music and it was like my creative juices started to flow again and I came alive!

I wanted to write! I wanted created! I started to scroll the accounts of those who inspire me like Latonya Yvette

and @Studiomucci

The past few days I’ve just been in awe of these women and what they have accomplished.. Amina the rainbow goddess is black and autistic and she just kicks all the ass creates all the amazing content she’s 36 and I’m in just like.. you know what..

me too.. I totally relate and I’m tired of sitting in a box and looking out only showing bits and pieces of myself of please everyone… (I totally relate to her… I spent yesterday binge watching her YouTube videos they are highly addictive! But so relatable)

I had this epiphany the other day.. I was in the shower and I have all these wild ideas.. I want to be blogger, actor, I do it.. everyone believes in me but I don’t think I every believed in myself until now..

I finally have the courage to call myself an actress and a writer and I finally have the courage to try these things and I’m happy.

I was afraid before and I don’t know why but I think I tried to like a “normal” life and I am artist.. you can’t force and artist to be “normal” I think I “tried” for so long to masquerade as a “normie” and it broke me and I’m just now discovering my rainbow again… I really think that’s what’s happening