I was going to stick it out.. try to be brave.

You know suck it. Take the pain. But why? Who’s watching? What magical medal am I going to receive for suffering?

I swear that whole “strong black woman” syndrome is going to be the death of me.

Subconsciously it always there.

Even when it doesn’t have to be.

It looming.

Like an albatross.. I can’t even be sick. I have to “strong” well dammit my bones hurt this morning.

And I’m so considerate of the feelings and schedules of others it took me until 9pm to get myself to emergency room.

I don’t like to be an inconvenience🤷🏾‍♀️

I started to worry when my hip was hot and swollen… but I wasn’t that worried because I know I have Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid arthritis but I had never been in the amount of pain I was in today.

I didn’t really do anything out the other ordinary and that’s why I’m so frustrated!

I made a goal of adding exercise back into my daily life.

Nothing big, just some light stretches and I felt great about it.

I parked my car a block away from my destination..

mind you these are all things I did in the past.

Things that made me happy.

Things that made me feel happy.

Things I did Monday and Tuesday this week running errands nothing realizing they would land me in the emergency room!

I cried myself to sleep Tuesday night and woke up early Wednesday to run myself and epsom salt bath.. it was a tragic situation.

As I soaked in the bath I became pretty angry.

Not many people know but I’m starting to slowly lose mobility. I can only stand about 15-20 minutes without severe pain or needing to shift my weight, or lay down all together.

I feel like my body is changing to a body I don’t know and it’s very difficult so understand sometimes but I am accepting day by day.

Actually I was going to not blog about Fibromyalgia or Rheumatoid arthritis There’s days like today when you wake up unable to walk without pain of “10 out of 10” and you have no choice but to go to to the e.r because you know something has to be “wrong” I thought I broke my hip I was in so much pain.

I couldn’t put weight on the hip.

My hip looked like I went to “Dr Miami” but on for one side

My hip.. was SUPER SWOLLEN and painful.

I spent my day hopping around my home and just suffering in front of my children until I could no longer tolerate the pain.

I had my husband take me to the emergency room around 9pm.

I’m a nurse. I’m not an idiot.

I know the emergency room is for emergencies.

But I my leg what hot, giant and I couldn’t take a step without pain.

All the pain meds I had at home none were touching the pain.

The weed wasn’t helping.

Y’all know I’m a cannabis Activists ✊🏾 I’m all about using cannabis to treat pain

But cannabis wasn’t even working.

I took half a norco from my gallbladder surgery a month ago..

THAT WAS NOT WORKING.

I NEEDED TO GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.

I made the necessary arrangements for my kids

and I went to emergency room.

I hate going to the hospital because they never believe me 🤷🏾‍♀️

When you have a chronic illness it’s always the same thing.. (especially where you’re a person of color)

They assume you’re there for pain medication.. in case I actually was so it was appropriate 🤣

The emergency room did an ultrasound of my leg to rule out a blood clot.

I broke down during the ultrasound because I was like

“I don’t have a blood clot no one listens to me! My hips hurt and everyday I’m watching my body do less and less of what it could do and I’m only 35 I have 2 kids and this happened because I parked my car and walked a block like I used to and wanted to get some exercise like I used to.. because I had some time without my kids on Monday.. I just wanted to be like I was I just wanted to walk and be free you know.. I just wanted to walk!.. and I stepped funny off the curb and my hip is messed up now. I’m only 35 but my body is like 70 and I can’t walk right anymore and no one believes me. I’m not like I used to be! I’m just not and no one believes me! One believes me! I just can’t! Why won’t anyone believe me! I can’t stand longer than 15-20 minutes and I haven’t really told anyone that I can’t walk right anymore. My hips and legs are giving out on me and I’m 35. I don’t have a blood clot.. it’s not your fault. I’m sorry it’s not your fault”

It’s been at a lot to handle emotionally. I had JUST went thrifting with my girls, made dinner, I was happy.. I hated the fact my body was constantly racking with pain on some level. I’m always concealing pain I hate it.. I really hated that just on loaded my pain on that poor radiology tech but some how she titled her head like her understood my rant.

She looked and me and said

“My daughter is 23 and shits in a bag.. I understand.. you give those doctors HELL! They don’t pay attention to shit you don’t mean anything to them unless you raise hell! believe you ok! I believe anyone that says they are in pain”

I started to feel my anxiety ease up.

I finally felt like ONE person believed me.. since May outside of my family and the handful of close friends and relatives that know what’s going on.

They gave me pain meds and told me I was having a “flare” gave me some discharge papers and told me I needed to really stay on my doctors and rheumatologist about all this.

This is all new to me.

My body changing. I have a knee surgery soon and I have no idea why my hip and keeps flaring up the X-ray is “normal” nothing is broken I just have Arthritis and have to call my primary care see my specialist and rest the leg and I have a smooth pimp limp..

There has to be something tho prevent these flares in the meantime.

It felt so good Monday and Tuesday to just be out being myself. I felt proud, I was productive! Getting things then I ended up flat on my back.. that’s what I’m trying to find right my balance I guess.

I can’t over do it… but I hardly if like I over did it.

I did two days of my former life and I can’t even cut it anymore.

It’s all good though the important thing was I actually encountered medical professionals who LISTENED that’s rare.

I didn’t just feel like like I was just rushed.

Well I did feel like the attending physicians just rushed me out to my doctors office they printed my out forms about fibromyalgia and told me to make and appointment with my primary and let know I spent the night being cared for in the emergency room that my pain management isn’t working.

I don’t really have a pain management plan….

I just planned on NOT being addicted to drug.

I have a phone appointment with my primary care provider today I guess while letting them know I was at the emergency room last night with an extremely painful flare.. I should ask them what my pain management plan is because the current one of

“Hell nah! I’ll just go to the e.r for pain meds” isn’t working

I battled addiction and the stigma, so having chronic pain and chronic illness.

I really have this whole battle in my head concerning medication but some days that battle doesn’t exist.

Yesterday and the day before with each step I took, my pain was HIGH and I was like a woman In labor screaming

“GIMME THE DRUGS” I was desperate..

I was in so much I had never been in that much pain.

They gave me Toradol and Valium to relax the muscle.

I never thought I would wake up one day and be in pain 24/7 but hey it is what it is

I am navigating life with chronic illness and an auto immune illness and I plan to blog because is a huge part of my life and I feel like talking about it about creating might take my mind of the pain for a while.

At first I was shying away from blogging about if because I didn’t want to seem like I was “complaining” but I’m not complaining..

my hip hurts.

It can’t support the weight of my body. It hurts when I try to walk and my leg swollen.

More over I feel like I’ve built a community where I can speak freely about whatever I want and it’s safe so I know if won’t be judged here for talking about this also.

I want to talk to young moms who might be out there with fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis like me and don’t it..

It’s been such strange journey navigating a chronic illness during covid-19.

I’ve just been dealing with so much and writing is my outlet and this blog is my home.. I haven’t known what to do until know really..

It just sucked having a “flare” up so bad the pain sent me to e.r.

But I really don’t know that much about my diagnosis. I keep having phone appointments. I’m a person that prefers in person appointments so I can ask questions etc.

Phone appointments are so impersonal.

Dealing with any illness during covid-19 is really hard.

Anyways last night was hard but at least I met one person who believed me.