Please don’t be like me..

I realized that I stressed so hard over a job I had to have my gallbladder removed.

Yep. I have this thing about being “perfect” and I had to be the “perfect” nurse and it literally caused anxiety so bad it triggered o.c.d, my bipolar disorder.. fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis in my spine I thought I honestly thought I had dementia..

I was forgetting things at work and I would be belittled for it.

Little did I know I had a whole illness that I was fighting through because I needed the money.

I put my mind and body through hell.

I wanted to have “perfect” notes.

I had panic attacks do debilitating my palms would sweat making it impossible to write a paragraph on paper, my heart would race, my hands would shake, my heart would pound.. I would feel tears well up inside of me because I felt like I couldn’t control my body.

I would run into the bathroom because I didn’t want my patient to catch a glimpse of tears and see it as weakness.

I had intricate routines so I wouldn’t forget things.

They thought I was “super nurse” I was embarrassed I was beginning to lose my memory and I didn’t want to become a bad nurse.. that would keep me up all night long.

That would cripple me with fear.

I would pray my patient had a good night because lord knows I didn’t.. I wasn’t sleeping

And I was waking up at 0400 and driving and hour to work working doing pretty hard in a stressful environment where I was being called “incompetent”

That really hurt me in ways I don’t think I really ever got over.

I know I’m not “incompetent” but when you’re bipolar and have O.C.D remarks like that can chip away at yourself.

I talk about my history in a last blog post “Silent Black Girl Syndrome” I have a history of allowing myself to be victimized so I’m not the “mad black woman”

Not only that but “I needed my job” that’s what I told myself repeatedly as I drove to work and threw up blood in the bushes scarring my children.

I drank water and kept going.

I didn’t have sick leave.

I kept getting raises and I’m addicted to money.

They thought I was “perfect” and on the surface I was.

I’m not the type to bring my problems to work.

I would just tell my family they saw me come home in tears, obsessively count my notes, not want to leave the house, wake up in a cold sweat, be in so much pain from driving all week my husband had to drive.

The weekend just wasn’t enough rest..

But I didn’t have any sick leave.

I know it sounds stupid to stay at a dead end job, but I think I stayed because everyone was so proud to have a nurse in the family.. I loved helping people and I think I saw a little bit of my mom in very patient.

I always wanted to save everyone and everything growing up.

and the money was good. I loved money as kid. Had two and three jobs at time because I loved money.

Now I’m laying here realizing I worked so hard for money that my body and mind had to give out for me understand if you’re talented.. money will come.

Hell, even if you’re not talented money will come.

I let people say things to me and I never spoke up.

I just took it because I needed my job and I sincerely cared about my patient.

I cared about my family and my financial situation..

So I scarified my body and mind to the point I called my husband on thanksgiving and said

“Baby I can’t control the panic attacks anymore they’re controlling me and I want to just walk into traffic! I can’t do this anymore!”

I was hysterical. I gathered myself enough to look presentable to my Nana and my daughters but I fell apart again.

I let them know how much stress I was under and how I feared losing my job.

Y’all life is sooo much more that just chasing checks.

Money is great don’t get me wrong. If your bills are paid.. you are blessed more than you know.

You have to appreciate the people in your life, the memories you can make. Appreciate the love, the cuddles, your children, the friends and relationships that truly matter.. money can’t buy that stuff.

Be hoarder of cherished memories and time. I think we’re all guilty at some point of putting a job before everything but I was doing it to the max..

Sometime you have to literally look around your home and just count your blessings. If your clothes you’re blessed, If you have food in the fridge, double blessed, but I worked and worked, and worked.. and I missed out on my kids and that hurt.. more that Rheumatoid arthritis and Fibromyalgia

I used to cry on the way to work because I only got to see my kids before they went to bed, but I basically spent the day being someone else’s mom.

I wasn’t ungrateful for my job, I wasn’t ungrateful for the fact that I was a nurse… I didn’t like the treatment.

I know that every job has stress.. I’m not an idiot but I was overworked, over stressed and I didn’t tell a soul.

That can literally kill you.

I’m thankful I did go to my therapist.

I’m thankful I did speak out.

But I have to start putting myself first.

I think so many women think they to be “superwoman” and they don’t… you don’t get a cape..

In my case you get surgery..

I’m just know learning my worrying and appreciating myself.

Last night before surgery, I got ran myself a hot bath with essential oils, Epsom salts, bath bombs, candles, champagne and ambient music… I was going to the 99 cent but I was like…

And I went to Walmart and got myself some nice little bath goodies and big comfy night gown for the surgery..

I figured I’d change my mindset I spent 35 years putting myself on the back burner.. it’s time I put myself on the front.. in everything even a damn bath!

I’m constantly in pain, even if I don’t say anything and I’m treating myself like gold from now on because I am.

I feel like I have been in a damn car accident and I don’t even drive like that anymore.

Do y’all know I used the motorized cart at Walmart and I wasn’t ashamed??

My feet and back hurt went I walked through the parking lot.. I almost felt vindicated.. like I stood up for own needs by using it.

Came home and told my husband about it and everything.

I see that it’s not too late to but myself first and acknowledge my needs and believe it or not aside from incision pain.. I feel good!

I mean I’m flat on my back and on pain meds but I ate a piece of toast and I didn’t feel a dragon fighting my food!

I have been so miserable… I feel like I have a new start.. my goodness.. so glad that gallbladder is out.

Up next my knee🙌🏾 grateful to be taking care of me.

Do not be like me.. take care you from the get go.

Love yourself, you are worthy, you are capable.. you can do it all.

Enjoy your time, enjoy the loves of your life and enjoy the things your truly love to do.. be blessed ✌🏾🌈